At the same time, no matter what any of these candidates say, I discourage all Philadelphians from voting for even one of them, building on a comment I left at the same article.

I’ll be one of the first to say that the Democratic one-party rule in Philadelphia, like one party rule anywhere, has had damaging effects on the city.

The problem is that the Republicans are not a credible alternative. We have all seen what happens when you elect them to any position of authority: they do NOTHING to create jobs, and instead spend all their time trying to bust unions, drive down wages, deny women health care, destroy necessary infrastructure projects, and turn a blind eye to corporate polluters (while cutting their taxes or, in the case of PA governor Tom Corbett, not taxing them at all). They also try to defund schools, incorporate religion into secular education (including advocating teaching the myth of Creationism in science classes).

Philly’s in bad shape because of decades of unchallenged democratic rule, but it’s no secret that the GOP acquiesced to this in return for patronage crumbs, which is something the Weekly reported on a year or so ago. The fact is you cannot trust the republicans to be fair or even competent for that matter: this is a party that believes government IS the problem, how could you expect them to govern effectively?

To me, it’s hilarious to see a Republican candidate like Elmer Money (apt name for a Republican) talk about how he wants to “promote social change and improve health services especially for those who are most vulnerable and struggle to pay medical bills because of unemployment or lack of insurance”. The only social changes Republicans promote are reactionary and regressive. “Improve health services”? This is a party that claims our medical system is the best in the world, claims Medicare is socialism, spent the past two years blatantly lying that Obama’s pathetically marginal reforms would lead to death panels, and insists that women don’t have a right to reproductive health care or pre-natal services: anyone who thinks a Republican has the best interests of expectant mothers and the poor at heart has been smoking angel dust.

Looking at each candidates campaign promises, I find something to point at and laugh derisively. John Featherman wants to get rid of the city’s Department of Ethics, so I’ll have to assume the candidate is opposed to ethics and in favor of corruption. On the other hand, he’ll let me get hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

Lazin complains about fair elections: that’s rich coming from the party that goes out of its way to disenfranchise voters, especially youth and minority voters.

David Oh wants to undermine public education with vouchers for private and religious schools. Well, that’s nice, and I’m sure Mr. Oh has a practical solution for those kids the private schools deem unfit, and skim out of their population (I know how THAT goes: I was kicked out of private school in 8th grade for not fitting in, which was code for “fights back against the bullies”). Maybe someday he’ll share it with us, but if you value public education and a unionized workforce, David Oh is not your guy.

John McColgan thinks that cutting spending creates jobs and wants to start by firing a good chunk of the city’s workforce. McColgan knows a lot about how much better the private sector is, because the US Navy is entirely funded by the private sector. Oh wait…

I’ve already laughed at Elmer Money’s concern for the poor, health care, and expectant mothers, but will remind you that Republicans hate the poor, oppose health care reform, and fought hard in DC to cut WIC and prevent women from having reproductive and pre-natal health care.

Mark Untermeyer wants to get rid of the sheriff’s office and no-bid contracts, but doesn’t describe how he’ll do either of those things, or what he’ll replace the sheriff’s office with. This seems to be standard Republican practice: point to something unpopular, say you’ll get rid of it, but offer no plan for the aftermath. See, “Iraq”.

FInally, we get to Al Schmidt, who i feel a little bad about criticizing because he really IS a nice guy. But again, the idea that a republican can be counted on to “make sure vote totals will be fair and ‘make sure every vote counts’” is laughable on its face. In addition, while I welcome the calls for transparency (as if Republicans are some model of open governance, just look at Tom Corbett’s administration to put the lie to that one), there’s also that characteristic GOP cheap-assedness I’ve come to love SO much. Really Al? You think that a high school kid paid a couple of hundred bucks could come up with a workable system to count votes? Hey, why not hire a McDonalds employee as head chef at Le Bec Fin? Or replace the city’s expensive EMT squad with some Boy Scouts? Maybe we can save a few bucks by ensuring all new structures in Philly are made of Legos instead of bricks and mortar. Anyway, we’ve all seen how skimping on proper software has worked Waukesha County Wisconsin, where the Republicans conveniently “found” thousands of votes for the losing incumbent.

As I said at the outset of this piece, it’s certainly true that the Democrats’ monopoly on Philadelphia’s governance (abetted by lazy and corrupt Republicans) has been harmful, even disastrous in some ways. But turning to the Republicans as some kind of alternative is insane. They won’t keep any of their promises, and will turn immediately to preventing you from getting a Pap smear or cervical exam, throwing you out of work, making it easier for their REAL constituency (corporations and the wealthy) to run roughshod over you, defunding the arts, defunding public education, and union busting.

If you’re looking for an alternative, I suggest the Green Party. They’re running a fantastic candidate for sheriff’s office, a real fighter named Cheri Honkala. The more you support REAL alternatives, especially on the local level, the stronger they grow.

But beware, always, of Republicans promising “reform”. It’s not going to be any reform that helps you or makes your life better.

I popped off a snotty, sarcastic piece about the SS United State, a once-luxurious ocean liner rotting on the piers in Philly:

The S.S. United States Casino: a unique metaphor for USA in the 21st century: where suckers go to lose all their money chasing after get rich schemes, never realizing that the house always wins.

…and so far reaction is… positive??

Go read the rest.

The young woman talking about Glenn Beck is particularly creepy, and the “English only” gentleman..well, you’ll just have to watch it.

I’ve had some thoughts bubbling away about this berzerk population of Americans but it’s been difficult to articulate it. It’s almost too much.

For example, I could write a volume on the breathtaking audacity of a movement that had people arrested for wearing the wrong tee-shirt to taxpayer-funded republican rallies (when the republicans actually let them in) could literally turn on a dime, as Glenn Beck did, and announce that “dissent is patriotism” and begin showing up at public forums with openly displayed assault weapons and pictures of Obama decorated with Hitler moustaches. (and yes I know we have second amendment rights. See my point about home defense and the pointlessness of weapons at events in which police already provide security. See also this sign, which indicates something a little less high-minded that Constitutionalism).

i could go on for hours about the willingness to accept, without question, the claim that the president wants to kill your baby (among other absurdities), and then to cling to that claim despite ALL EVIDENCE to the contrary.

This says nothing about their ignorance of even the most basic functions of government, about which reams could be generated.

I will try to get to that later this week, but it’s a daunting and depressing topic to think about.

The A.I.G. executive who was nicknamed “Jackpot Jimmy” by a New York tabloid walked up the driveway toward his bay-windowed house in Fairfield, Conn., on Thursday afternoon. “How do I feel?” said the executive, James Haas, repeating the question he had just been asked. “I feel horrible. This has been a complete invasion of privacy.”

Mr. Haas walked on, his pink shirt a burst of color on a slate-gray afternoon. The words came haltingly. “You have to understand,” he said, “there are kids involved, there have been death threats. …” His voice trailed off. It looked as if he was fighting back tears.

OH BOO HOO HOO. AIG’s role in the collapse of the economy has people losing their homes and their life savings, and they have the nerve, the sheer audacity, to blame those who destroyed their nest egg. Mr. Haas: if you’re so worried about your kids, why don’t you use some of your substantial personal wealth to send them on vacation in the Caymans, the Bahamas, or one of those other wonderful Carribean islands people in your income bracket can afford to vacation?

“I didn’t have anything to do with those credit problems,” said Mr. Haas, 47. “I told Mr. Liddy” — Edward M. Liddy, the chief executive of A.I.G., the insurance giant — “I would rescind my retention contract.”

Yeah, well neither did poor children in Philadelphia, and until a few days ago they had to lose their pools and libraries. And even now, we have to see our taxes go up because of AIG’s fuckups. Poor babies, someone shows up at AIG executives’ houses and tells them what a bunch of fuckers they are.

He ended the conversation with a request: “Leave my neighbors alone.”

HAHAHA: his neighbors don’t like him EITHER:

Too late. Jean Wieson, who has lived down the block for 24 years, had stopped her car in front of Mr. Haas’s house before he arrived home. She was angry about the millions of dollars in bonuses paid to its executives, the credit-default swaps that brought American International Group to its knees, the $170 billion the federal government has spent to prop it up. “It makes me absolutely sick,” she said. “It’s despicable. It’s disgusting what these people have done. They should be forced to give every cent back.”

And the whining that it’s so unfair begins. Do you know what it’s like to work for AIG and to be rightfully blamed for losing everyone’s money? It’s like McCarthyism.

One A.I.G. executive, who spoke on the condition of anonymity because he feared the consequences of identifying himself, said many workers felt demonized and betrayed. “It is as bad if not worse than McCarthyism,” he said. Everyone has sacrificed the employees of A.I.G.’s financial products division, he said, “for their own political agenda.”

The anonymopus executive neglects to mention that it was the financial products division that fucked everything up, so how this is McCarthyism, defined as

politically motivated practice of making accusations of disloyalty, subversion, or treason without proper regard for evidence

…is beyond me. I’m with Jon Green, the director of Connecticut Working Families, who’s taking poor families from Bridgeport and Hartford on bus tours of the neighborhoods where these highly paid criminals and incompetents live:

“I know there’s a lot of anger and a lot of rage about what’s happened. We’re not looking to foment that unnecessarily, but what we want to do is give folks in Bridgeport and Hartford and other parts of Connecticut who are struggling and losing their homes and their jobs and their health insurance an opportunity to see what kinds of lifestyle billions of dollars in credit-default swaps can buy.”

The fact of the matter is that our elected representatives have failed in an epic fashion for years, and finally the whole house of cards has fallen down, and everyone’s been caught with their pants down. As Krugman points out, that includes the administration:

At every stage, Geithner et al have made it clear that they still have faith in the people who created the financial crisis — that they believe that all we have is a liquidity crisis that can be undone with a bit of financial engineering, that “governments do a bad job of running banks” (as opposed, presumably, to the wonderful job the private bankers have done), that financial bailouts and guarantees should come with no strings attached.

This administration, elected on the promise of change, has already managed, in an astonishingly short time, to create the impression that it’s owned by the wheeler-dealers. And that leaves it with no ability to counter crude populism.

…and having seen their elected representatives allow people like AIG to get away with murder, the people are angry, and beginning to respond to “crude populism.” Faux outrage from Congress, coupled with a disinclination to actually do anything beyond bluster, does nothing but fan the flames.

I don’t advocate violence, but I certainly approve of putting these executives and the congress that enables them in a state of fear. A Congress that fears the people responds to the people.

March 17, 2009

Mr. Edward M. Liddy
Chairman and CEO
American International Group, Inc.
70 Pine Street
New York, NY 10270
Dear Mr. Liddy:

I write today to convey my outrage over American International Group’s (AIG’s) payout of $165 million in bonuses to executives in its Financial Products division. As you know, this unit wrote trillions of dollars of credit default swaps, leading to the near collapse of AIG and necessitating the infusion of $170 billion in federal assistance. Under these circumstances, it defies all logic that these executives deserve to receive millions of dollars in performance-based bonus payments.
As the company faced imminent collapse, the government assumed an 80 percent stake in AIG. Accordingly, its new owners- namely taxpayers- have a right to know how their money is being spent.

Therefore, I ask you to provide detailed information regarding the performance of all executives in the Financial Products division receiving bonuses, including specific information about their involvement with credit default swaps and other risky derivatives. Echoing the requests of the New York Attorney General, I believe AIG must provide a list of payment recipients, position, job description and summary of performance at AIG financial products.

Let me be clear—given AIG’s reported a loss of $61.7 billion for the final quarter of 2008, I find it inconceivable that these bonuses could be warranted based on any fair or rational metric of executive performance. However, I also understand that contracts are in place that may require these bonuses to be paid notwithstanding AIG’s recent dismal financial performance.

While it is questionable whether AIG exercised reasonable judgment when it entered into these contracts in early 2008, I recognize this is now water over the dam. It is unquestionable however that payment of these bonuses would lavishly reward some of the very individuals responsible for the near collapse of AIG. This action would be a direct insult to taxpayers who have contributed $170 billion to avert this collapse and are now the company’s owners.

Considering these facts, I think it appropriate that executives in AIG’s Financial Products division be asked to forgo their bonuses. If they are unwilling to do so, they should be fired. The taxpayers cannot trust those who profit from their own poor decisions to effectively turn around the company.
Thank you for considering my requests. I urge you to act quickly. AIG’s survival is contingent on the support of the American people. Without swift action on your part, I fear that we will no longer be in a position to provide future assistance.

Sincerely,
Robert P. Casey, Jr.
United States Senator

Translation: I am very upset with you for taking my lunch money, but not brave enough to actually do anything about it. Would you please consider not giving me a wedgie during gym class today?

Seriously, is there anything more pathetic than this? If I was Ed Liddy, I’d use Boob’s letter as toilet paper. Look at the mewling, cowering language. “I ask you to provide the information”. “I understand [you say] the contracts must be honored [and who am i to deny that]“. Is this the representation the people of Pennyslvania, who rose up nearly 235 years ago against the king stealing their hard earned money, have come to expect?

Here’s the letter Boob would have written if he had any genitals.

March 17, 2009

Mr. Edward M. Liddy
Chairman and CEO
American International Group, Inc.
70 Pine Street
New York, NY 10270
Dear Ed:

Let me be blunt with you. My constituents are already calling for your head, and this news about your decision to use their taxpayer dollars to pay bonuses to the clowns in your Financial Products division, which brought down our economy is too much for them, or me, to take. Please understand that i am going to undertake swift action to make sure you are replaced.

That’s right: the US government, on behalf of the taxpayer, owns 80% of YOUR company. That’s called “a controlling stake”, and you have about 24 hours to begin toeing the line, or I’m going to have your sorry ass fired: no job, no retention bonus. Howdoya like THEM apples, Ed?

Effective immediately, I DEMAND thAat you to provide detailed information regarding the performance of all executives in the Financial Products division receiving bonuses, including specific information about their involvement with credit default swaps and other risky derivatives. If you miss one, I’m going to see to it that you’re not only fired, but publicly shamed.

Let me be clear—given AIG’s reported a loss of $61.7 billion for the final quarter of 2008, I find it inconceivable that these bonuses could be warranted based on any fair or rational metric of executive performance. As for your contracts, we saw to it that the UAW had to tear up THEIR contracts if they wanted just a fraction of what we’ve lavished on YOUR failure of on industry. Do NOT think we won’t do it to you too: you’ve ruined the lives of thousands of my constituents, and I would be only too glad to put you in the poorhouse as well.

You have 24 hours to do the riught thing Ed. I urge you to act quickly. AIG’s survival is contingent on the support of the American people. Without swift action on your part, I fear that we will no longer be in a position to provide future assistance. Do NOT try me.

Sincerely,
Robert P. Casey, Jr.
United States Senator

But of course, Boob can’t write this letter. He’s one of the idiots who voted for a mandate free bailout. In fact, his office told me specifically that if mandates were included, the banks wouldn’t want to participate. So all he can do is beg the guys at AIG to stop stealing our milk money. It’s like George McFly versus Butch if “Back to the Future” had never happened.

From the outset, I’ve been concerned that the forums were going to be an exercise in predetermined outcomes, as a friend who witnessed a rehearsal explained via email earlier this month. By and large, at least by my experience, his predictions were accurate.

But first a word about the venue. This forum took place in northeast Philly, at St. Dominic’s Catholic School on the 8500 block of Frankford Avenue, an area extremely far away and pretty much accessible only by car. If you’re using public transit, you’d take te El to the easternmost terminal, paying extra for your transfer to the bus, which then drives nearly four miles up a state highway, and drops you off across the street from the school. Needless to say, there are no shelters for people waiting for the bus. So immediately a lot of people were disenfranchised simply because they couldn’t get up there. Homeless people have a right to participate too, considering the Homeless Services department is on the table, and the location of this forum rendered their presence effectively impossible. Same for those in wheelchairs, and many low-income and low-income elderly families.

At the same time, it was inspiring to see how many people came out to defend their city services, from the fireman passing out fliers to the library advocates to the Project HOME volunteers, to the individuals affiliated with no one who just wanted to have their say. Even more inspiring, at least in my group, was the keen bullshit meter this crowd had: nearly everyone recognized that what we were participating in was kabuki theatre, aimed at giving the appearance of real democracy while channelling people to specific outcomes.

We got there early to hand out Coalition to Save the Libraries fliers and to network with our friends and partners in this effort from various unions and interest groups. It was really cold, and the wind was blowing hard. A fireman handed me a pamphlet that read “MAYOR NUTTER IS PLAYING WITH FIRE AND YOU ARE AT RISK”, which explained that cuts to the fire department will mean longer response time to a burnign building. I shuddered as the wind cut across my face. “Ya know,” I said to the guy handing out the fliers, “On a day like this, a fire could spread like crazy.”

“Blocks,” he said. “Freakin’ blocks before we could get to it with these cuts.”

Images of Chicago came to my mind…

… and stayed with me the rest of the evening.

The doors were finally opened, and we all piled in to the auditorium, where we were handed an updated budget forecast but no actual budget to compare it to. A forecast is useless without providing the budget assumptions, the actuals, and last year’s numbers, so this document, which talked about problems in other cities, the falling GDP, consumer spending and the like was functionally useless for anything other than saying “boogedy boogedy.” There was nothing against which to balance the adminsitration’s claims. Rob Dubow from the budget department talked about how the economic crash had hit our pension fund, but he never said that it was because banks that should have known better had made bad investments, and lost everything. In Dubow’s story, the crash just happened, as if by magic. Steve Agostino declared that the crisis was unprecedented since 1929, but never mentioned that Democrats and Republicans in DC spent the past 20 years systemiatically tearing down all the safeguards erected in the wake of the Depression to prevent this from happening. Really now, do we really have to start naming names? That might make you less willing to accept these cuts, and you might start calling for the state to -gasp- let us tax the banks!

We were also handed an 8-page “citizen worksheet” titled “Tough Times, Tough Choices Workshop.” It had a nifty doodle of Philadelphia’s skyline that was a little dated. Inside, four of the pages presented a menu of cuts and, to a much lesser extent, revenue sources. But a lot of options simply were not on the menu. For instance, even though it’s well-known that Verizon has a building valued at $5.6 million dollars in Center City that they pay npo taxes on, nowhere was there an item calling for the city to exercise PA State Act 55, which allows city and local governments to request payments from real-estate tax exempt organizations for the services they receive. I can understand why a small non-profit shouldn’t have to participate, but an entity like Verizon or Penn? Gimme a break: these companies are worth billions, and they should fork it over if they can pay.

Another problem was the way the choices were presented: for instance, for the police, we were given the options of reduce the budget by 10% or 20%, targeting mostly sworn officers. As one woman repeatedly pointed out, why not cut overhead and administrative redundancies? Or as I added, why not end the Chestnut Hill crime emergency?
Same with the prisons: cut the budget by 10% and reduce food, maintenance, and job training for inmates, or cut the budget by 20%, close a prison, with no contracts to house prisoners outside the city, releasing 1200 inmates. There was nothing about sentencing nonviolent drug users to rehab, or just hitting them with big civil fines.

Courts, we got one option; reduce the budget by 20%: nothing about forcing the state’s hand, the entity legally responsible for the courts. And on and on it went, until finally exasperated i told the moderator, “I don’t know if I can participate in this: you keep talkign about this as a menu, but if this were for a restaurant, y’all would be out of business!” And it wasn’t that none of the items were appetizing (of all the choices, only two proposals appealed to me: stop maintaining Lincoln Field, and cut L&I’s budget by 30%), but because none of the items reflected what the customers wanted. It was like inviting a vegetarian to a Texas Barbeque.

“Sir if you don’t want to participate, you can just leave,” said one of the moderators.

“Oh no, I’m not leaving,” I said. “Someone’s gotta bear witness to this joke of a process.”

But then another guy, an older man who looked ablout 70 or so named Phil piped up. “You;re forcing us to make these choices form a position of ignorance,” he complained.

“No we’re not,” replied the moderator.

“yes you are,” Phil retorted. “None of us have seen the entire budget, we don’t know what the numbers are!”

“The budget is too big to absorb in one night,” the moderator replied, “so we brought selected items.”

“Yes exactly,” shot back Phil. “We don’t know what this all costs, and what you left out. This is only YOUR choices, we don’t get to see everything.”

“Phil is RIGHT!” I called out. “You are totally right Phil!”

“And what you want us to do,” Phil added, glaring at the moderator, “you want us to sign off on these cuts nobody wants, and then when the mayor says what he’s cutting he’s going to say ‘these aren’t my cuts, these are the cuts Philadelphians want, the one’s they chose. we don’t choose any of these, you’re forcing us to choose things we don’t want!”

“Sir…” And then the mod ploughed ahead. that seemed to be his primary concern: reining in discussion and making sure people didn’t get away from the very narrow choices they’d provided us. No coloring outside the lines, children. Stay in the box we’ve built for you.

Throughout the rest of this fake discussion, this soviet-style exercise in potemkin democracy, people interjected. We barely covered 60% of the budget deficit. the whole exericse was disgraceful, demoralizing, and infuriating. It only made me want to go back for round two.

I saw my neighbor Glenn walk by, and scurried out to the hall to see what was up. He’d finally thrown up his hands and walked out of his group, declaring the whole act to be bullshit. I wanted to leave too, but forced myself to sit through the rest of the whole pathetic charade.

After our time was up, I headed out to the main room, where the organizers were trying to call people to order. i caught up with Chris Satullo. I tried to tell him how much I objected to these forums.

“I don’t feel like anyone’s reall had a choice to be heard,” i said. “We’re choosing from options we had no inputb in selecting, and many of the things we want aren’t even on the table!”

“You are a cynic!” Satullo, who has never met me, declared, adding “and that makes you a perfect Philadelphian.”

“No wwait a minute,” I said. “That’s not true. I’m a 38 year old man, a parent, I work in a nonprofit, and I pay my mortgage and taxes. I’m not a cynic, I’m a realist.” I tried to bring up some of the stuff we’d talked about in the groups like payment in lieu of taxes, ending the useless crime emergency, etc., but Satullo was having none of it.

Finally, I said “Listen Chris. I know you’re not a wealthy guy, you got a job in the newspaper industry and you’ve done well for yourself. And look we know who caused this problem with the pensions: it’s the bansk, most of who are insolvent, but nobody wants to admit it. They made bad bets with the pension fund money and lost it all. And now thousands of Philadelphians, working people who play by the rules, we have to bear the burden for their mistakes? I never gambled on Wall Street. I never tried to make an extra buck off my mortgage. And for ordinary working people to have to lose their services because Dick Fuld and Ken Lewis and all those other CEOs can’t run a business.. sir, that is not just, an dit is not fair.”

And Chris Satullo, journalist, who just a moment ago told me I was a cynic, shrugged his shoulders, turned his back, and walked away.

Which kind of serves as an analogy for this whole fake process.

This normally isn’t the kind of thing I pay attention to but given the global calamity, the already disgusting Wing Bowl is even more nauseating than usual.

Media coverage has grown to the point where every one of the major Philadelphia television stations has covered the event. The ABC, CBS and Fox affiliates all aired live reports from the event during their morning news. Features on the event have appeared in The Philadelphia Inquirer and Daily News as well as a host of newspapers in the surrounding counties. The event has been featured on ESPN and the syndicated television shows Real TV and The Montel Williams Show. Segments on Wing Bowl have appeared on TV newscasts in cities throughout the country. Several Wing Bowl contestants, including “El Wingador,” competed in Fox’s “Glutton Bowl” in the spring of 2002. The 2007 Wing Bowl was carried on Comcast Cable’s On Demand channel.

If ever there was evidence that the so-called mainstream media has become completely unnecessary and irrelevant to real life in Philadelphia, this is it. With Philadelphia facing an out-of-control budget crisis, with the mayor already calling for the closure of libraries, pools, and fire engines while promising more cuts are on the way, is this REALLY how our local media should be spending their time? Where are the investigative reports into which corporations owe the city the most taxes? Oh that’s right; there are chicken wings to eat.

Where are the man-on-the-street interviews in neighborhoods losing fire engines? Oh that’s right: there are chicken parts to scarf down and regurgitate up:

Contestants will compete to eat as many chicken wings as possible. The contest will be split into two (2) 14-minute periods, with a short break after each, followed by a final 2-minute period and tie-breaking rounds as necessary.

If a contestant purges or vomits at any point during the competition, he will immediately be disqualified. As they say, “if your heave, you leave.”

When food banks like Philabundance can’t keep up with demand, isn’t a little hypocritical to lionize competetive eaters?

Those 28 remaining contestants and their qualifying stunts are:

* Randall Patrick Bertoletti – 2nd ranked IFOCE member Randall Patrick Bertoletti. Bertoletti ate 5lbs of sourcream in 1 minute, 45 seconds.
* Humble Bob – 7th ranked IFOCE member Bob Shoudt of Royersford, PA. Stoudt ate 53 hardboiled eggs in 15 minutes.
* Ted Bundy Serial Wing Killer – 12th ranked IFOCE member Erik “the Red” Denmark of Seattle, WA. Denmark won his spot at a Philadelphia 76ers game.
* Wing Kong – 17th ranked IFOCE member Micah Collins of Drexel Hill, PA. Collins ate 5lbs of SpaghettiOs® in 1 minute 14 seconds.
* Steakbellie – 21st ranked IFOCE member Eric Livingston of Drexel Hill, PA. Livingston ate the full McDonald’s $1 menu in 5 minutes 30 seconds.
* Dr. Bigtime – 23rd ranked IFOCE member Juris Shibayama of Murfreesboro, TN. Shibayama ate 1 dozen Krispy Kreme donuts in 1½ minutes.
* Big Brian – 24th ranked IFOCE member Brian Subich of Johnstown, PA. Subich ate 3 “Fat Bitch” sandwiches in 7 minutes, 53 seconds.
* Baby Wally – Waleed Yousef of Jenkintown, PA. Yousef ate a 4½ lb burrito in 4 minutes 45 seconds.
* Boring John – John McGinnis of West Chester, PA. McGinnis ate 18 pierogies in 3 minutes.
* Brad the Lunatic Sciullo – 26th ranked IFOCE member Brad Sciullo of Pittsburgh, PA. Sciullo was a “Wing Off” winner.
* Damaging Doug – Doug Canavin of Folcroft, PA. Canavin was a “Wing Off” winner.
* Dan The Cop – Dan Calter of Philadelphia, PA. Calter drank 12 oz. of maple syrup in 7 seconds.
* Dave the Dumpster – Dave Moyer of Trappe, PA. Moyer ate 610 mini marshmellows in 3 minutes 59 seconds.
* Dr. Digestion – Brett Daniels of Columbia, PA. Daniels ate a “12 Days of Christmas Feast” in 15 minutes.
* El Zorro – Julio Davila of Vineland, NJ. Davila ate 6 pasteillos in 3½ minutes.
* Gabe Cocktail – Gabe O’Brien of Newtown Square, PA. O’Brien ate 3 lbs of shrimp in 4 minutes.
* Gentleman Jerry – Jerry Coughlan of Clifton Heights, PA. Coughlan was a “Wing Off” winner.
* Jerry The Assassin – Jerry Virgi of Northeaast Phila., PA. Virgi ate 3 one-foot teriyaki hoagies in 8 minutes.
* Obi Wing – Doug Petock of Valley Forge, PA. Petock ate 3 melons with skin and rinds.
* The Bull Dog – John Delvecchio of Philadelphia, PA. John Delvecchio ate 50 meatballs in 5 minutes.
* The Caveman – Michael Casciano of Birdsboro, PA. Casciano was a “Wing Off” winner.
* The Natural – Jeff Olson of Wilmington, DE. Olson ate 1 lb of peanut butter in 4 minutes.
* The Unfit Fitter – Eric Wheeler of Philadelphia, PA. Wheeler ate 5 lbs of scrapple in 3½ minutes.
* The Unknown Eater – Michael Sarian of Langhorne, PA. Sarian was the Slack’s Hoagies Shack winner eating 17 12-inch pieces of “The Godfather Hoagie” and “The Mitch Williams Wild Thing Hoagie” in 14 minutes.
* US Male – IFOCE member Dave Goldstein of Voorhees, NJ. Goldstein 4lbs of Sloppy Joe’s in 4 minutes.
* Wing King – Paul Sakelarides of Perkiomeville, PA. Sakelarides was a “Wing Off” winner.
* Wing Tut – Elliott Maruffi of Audubon, NJ. Maruffi was a “Wing Off” winner.
* Wolfman – Tom Wolf of Pottstown, PA. Wolf was the “Studio Wing Off” winner eating 16 wings in 5 minutes.

Feeling sick yet? I know I am. But wait, there’s more!

Prizes:
The overall winner of Wing Bowl 16 will receive a 2008 Toyota Tundra, valued at approximately $23,816, courtesy of Liberty Toyota/Scion.

The eater who can take out the most wings in the first round of Wing Bowl 16 will receive a 2008 Harley Davidson motorcycle 883 Sportster, valued at $9000, from Barbs Harley Davidson.

Hey, Wing Bowlers! Here’s an idea: why not donate that money to local or international hunger relief programs instead of driving around in a wasteful and expensive 4-door pickup truck or fancy-pants motorcycle? There are people who need the money and the food a lot more than you do.

More at Phawker and Collateral News.