This is What Happens When You’re a 40 Year Old Virgin
Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the Daily News’ Star Conservative Columnist as a warning: this is what happens when you’re a forty-something year old virgin:
I’M IN LOVE with Chris Christie.
It’s platonic, especially since he’s married with kids. But every time I see his chubby face, I realize how disappointed I am in the choices we on the other side of Camden face in the fall: Tom Corbett (BO-ring) or Dan Onorato (ANNOY-ing.)Neither of our gubernatorial candidates can hold a candle to Christie in terms of charisma, attitude and who-gives-a-damn-what-the-media-thinks bravado.
Chris Christie and charisma go together like chocolate sauce on a szechuan pork
Christie is the genuine article, and Jersey is lucky to have him. Which I suppose makes up for having to deal with Snooki.
Apparently, watching “Jersey Shore” is mandatory: you are not allowed to change the channel.
Like Madonna and Cher before her, the roly-poly Italian midget with the patent-leather hair goes only by the bastardization of her first name. Her father said she got the monikette in grade school, where she was the first girl to kiss a boy (which leads me to wonder what other “firsts” she accomplished before making her “first” Holy Communion.
Girls who kiss boys in elementary school are whores.
The surprise star of the reality show “Jersey Shore” is so greasy and unpleasant, you’d think she was somehow connected to the BP spill had she not made her initial appearance a full year before the Gulf disaster. Not that she’s any different from the rest of the cast. They all look like what you’d get if your in vitro was contaminated by mold.
But, for some reason, Snooki has become the breakout star, using her impressive cleavage and toe-curling accent to seduce a nation tired of pampered “Gossip Girl” blondes. By representing the exact antithesis of class, taste and threshold-level hygiene, Snooki has become the Slutty Sacajawea of Smut, guiding us over the cliff and into the Valley of Really Bad Taste.
To her credit, Snooki’s needs are relatively few. On the final episode of the first season, she pranced down the boardwalk, flounced on the beach, and sashayed around her condo, looking for love. Or, as she called it, a “date.” When no one was willing to give her a spin, not even an old boyfriend who wanted neither the milk nor the cow, she whimpered. Shortly thereafter, she ended up in a hot tub with a guy she considered to be just like her brother.
I am fascinated by Snooki, who I think is America’s sweetheart as well as a pornography star (I guess I haven’t watched much porn lately, since I think Snooki’s as bad as it gets). Also, enjoy this non sequitor about alternative fertilization procedures.
Faced with this fine example of young Jersey womanhood, it’s no wonder that Christie dissed the show and, by (hair) extension, its star. When asked his opinion of the reality program, Christie bravely tried to let his state off the hook by suggesting that the cast were all New Yorkers “parachuted in” to the Jersey Shore for the summer.
The governor had a point.
It takes courage to criticize a TV show.
The people at the Shore are mostly not really from Jersey. So it’s unfair to define the state by some randy out-of-towners, including a dwarf whose hair is higher than her IQ.
Short people got no reason to live
And I don’t know why Christie stopped with “Jersey Shore.” He should have aimed his rapier wit at other shows that purport to depict his state, monstrosities like “Real Housewives of New Jersey,” “Jerseylicious” and “Jersey Couture.” If I were a teenager in, say, San Francisco with very little exposure to the Garden (of Evil) State, I’d be convinced that the entire population is composed of tackily dressed Italian harridans and their tattooed husbands. Oh, and no natural blondes.
New Jersey is an terrible terrible place. I wonder if Snooki’s carpet matches the drapes, if you know what I mean.
But let’s get back to Snooki.
God I love this show. I could watch it all day… in the name of research of course. For my column, now shut up, Snooki’s on!
The fact that this young lady has somehow become a media sensation is a shocking commentary on TV, the viewing public (the show gets great ratings) and today’s young men.
Which is why I am contributing to the media sensationalism and watching the show.
Snooki has obviously progressed far beyond that first kiss in middle school (and is probably on file with the Centers for Disease Control). Therefore, any male who would even consider approaching her is either desperate, a masochist or had better have a highly developed immune system.
Oh boys? I’m not a whore who kissed boys in grade school. I believe sex is only for procreation, and as you can see, no baby. Hence, my vagina is pristine. Unlike that slut. Who I can’t stop watching.
And then you have my fellow Italian-Americans, who’ve been rather muted in their criticisms of Snooki & Co. I know there have been a few protests, but it’s almost like we’re suffering from a case of Stockholm syndrome.
I mean it: I’m literally held hostage by this show.
For every Knight of Columbus who attacks the show, there are hundreds who’ve been conditioned to actually like the attention. I’ve spoken with a number of young Italians who think it’s “cool” to see themselves, tattoos and all, depicted on the small screen like a moronic Bel Paese version of the Beverly Hillbillies.
Italian people shouldn’t get tattoos? Or something. Also, too.
Chris Christie hasn’t been duped.
The governor with paisano blood flowing through his veins knows a diss when he sees one. (As well as a “dems,” “dees” or “dose,” which pretty much covers the “Jersey Shore” lexicon.)
He’s the real Italian masterpiece.
Ooooh, Chris Christie is SO hot, he just makes me feel all puffy and warm and wet down there. Anybody have a zucchini?
July 30th, 2010 at 10:31 am
AWESOME!!!
I love how she deploys all the classic anti-Italian slurs in her column and it’s all okay because Snooki has sex!
August 2nd, 2010 at 5:57 pm
Wow! I don’t much care for Snooki either but I can’t tell you after reading that screed by Ms. Flowers, I’d PAY to watch Snooki beat the piss out of her for the number of unnecessary personal attacks she laid into her with.
What a bitch!