And Now, Some Drama
“Priorities: A One Act Play”
Dramatis Personae
The Would-Be Groom: the Democratic Party
The Blushing Bride: the American People
The Friend Who Wants to Kill His Neighbor: the Pentagon
Act 1.
Would-Be Groom: Oh my darling, I love you. If you marry me, I will buy you a big diamond ring
Blushing Bride: Well… I don’t know, you’ve been making that promise a LONG time.
WBG: This time I mean it. The stars are aligned just so, and everyone thinks it’s a good idea. Marry me, and I will give you a wonderful, beautiful diamond ring. Trust me.
BB: Well…
WBG: It’s a HUGE rock, on a beautiful setting. Believe me.
BB: Well… OK, I’m sold. Oh my darling, my sweet, I love you so! I’ll marry you. Where’s the ring?
WBG, looking shifty: Yeah, umm… about that ring. Diamonds are AWFULLY expensive, and my paycheck’s not what it used to be…
BB: Where’s the ring? You promised me a diamond ring!
WBG, looking even more queasy: Look, diamonds are WAY to expensive for me to afford. It’s more than $1000 for a small one.
BB, getting angry: Well, what about a cubic zirconia, at least for now, and then you can save up for the diamond.
WBG: Ya know, I thought about that, and decided that was a lot of money to spend for something so cheesy. So instead, please take this token of my love. (hands BB what looks like a piece of garbage)
BB: What the hell is this?
WBG: Well, I tore some cardboard from the back of the Cocoa-Puffs box this morning and twisted it into a ring shape. Then I wrapped it in aluminum foil. Look how it sparkles and shines in the light, my love!
BB: Stop licking my neck. Look, this is unacceptable. You promised me a diamond ring, and now you want me to accept this…. this piece of trash? And look, it’s got sharp edges, this may actually CUT me if I tried to wear it. No thanks.
WBG, outraged: YOU UNGRATEFUL BITCH! So, I guess you’d rather have NOTHING then, is that it? And after all I did to make this uniquely American engagement ring. Why can’t you be satisfied?
BB, aside: He just doesn’t get it, does he folks?
Enter The Friend Who Wants to Kill His Neighbor, who addresses the Would-Be Groom
FWWKN: Hey man, good to see you again. Say, my neighbor is back at it with the late night parties and the loud music. I REALLY want to kill his ass, but I don’t have a gun or any ammo? Can you loan me.. oh, I don’t know. $500 oughta cover it
WBG: “$500″? That doesn’t sound like it’s nearly enough. Here: take $5,000, that oughta do it. Come back if you need more.
BB: HEY! You said you couldn’t afford a $1000 diamond ring, what gives?
WBG: Hey! Zip it! Rule number one: No speaky until the *man* speaky to *you*. Oh, and I sold your uterus to the Catholic Church. (turns to FWWKN) Now, where were we? Did I say $5,000? I meant $50,000….
BB: WHAA—
CURTAIN
