Naked Bike Ride (NSFW)
Let me tell you, riding in the Philly Naked Bike Ride was no joke, even if it WAS the funniest thing I think I’ve ever done in my life. About 300 of us, most in at least some stage of undress (the men were, by and large, more bold about stripping down entirely than the women, though god bless those who went the full monty) blasted through the streets of nearly ever Philadelphia neighborhood you can imagine.
meeting site, photo Erik Bitzek
It was a really interesting experience, and in so many ways. It’s hard to describe the casual self-consciousness you feel when you’re standing around buck-naked with hundreds of other naked people…
…but you get used to it. And yes, I do in fact manscape. In fact, the whole event was high comedy for everyone. Jim and I kept bursting into spontaneous laugh-attacks as we pedaled along, laughing at ourselves and everyone else for participating in something so ridiculous, laughing at the people on the sidewalk who stood there either dumbfounded or keeling over with laughter themselves. Everyone was laughing. How could you not?
It may have started out as a leisurely ride, but once we’d looped around the back of the Art Museum and hit the Ben Franklin Parkway, the pack really got up to speed.
Eakins Oval, photo Erik Bitzek
South Side of City Hall, photo Derek Carnegie
The route was never disclosed publicly, to avoid giving the police an opportunity to block a street on our harmless-but-still-illegal ride. Instead, the ride was an exercise in follow-the-leader, in this case a naked man in his 30s with the “share the road” logo painted on his back:
via Phrequency
I’m pretty sure there was more than one leader, because the pack definitely broke in different directions. After passing by the south side of City Hall, we rode down Broad Street, taking up as many lanes as possible, to Washington Avenue. Everywhere we went, crowds of people cheered and laughed. Heading north up 9th Street, right through the Italian Market someone yelled “You should be embarrassed! You should be ashamed of yourselves!” My buddy Jim yelled back “We should be, but we’re not!” “Whoopeeee!” added a naked girl, titties flopping in the wind. More laughter from everyone.
That’s when we hit South Street. if you’ve ever been to Philadelphia, you know this is a big outdoor shopping area, lots of boutiques, stores, bars, and restaurants. Traffic on this tight one-way street is always slow, and the pack of naked bicyclists just made it worse, weaving between cars idling along the thoroughfare. Honestly, no one knew WHAT to make of us, other than to point and laugh. “Why are you doing this,” a young woman called. “Why not?” I yelled back. I heard someone else yell “why aren’t YOU?”
A number of people wanted to know if all this was even legal. Well, in a word? No. There are laws against “indecent exposure” in the city, but considering none of us were doing anything indecent with our naturally naked bodies, we didn’t expect that the City’s overworked cops were in much of a mood to do anything about it. Not when there are naked girls to gawk at (drop by phrequency or city paper, which has video, for nudity.
Others have asked me whether this was uncomfortable in any way, suggesting chafing. Honestly, the fabric that covers my bike seat is pretty soft and friction-free. there was less chafing than i get when i ride in jeans, a much coarser fabric. Plus, every time i stood up while riding (to get more torque to the pedals) a refreshing breeze blew between my legs. It was comparable to skinny dipping. I could do this every day, no joke.
Speaking of naked girls and being comfortable, I had a wonderful conversation with a young topless woman in blue panties and a butch haircut while zooming down Broad Street. “It’s stuff like this that makes me happy I decided to move to Philly,” she said.
‘Yeah, it’s pretty cool here,” i admitted. “But keep in mind, things are gonna be tough soon and you’ll want a memory like this to see you through.”
“What, you mean, the winter?” she asked.
“No: the budget problem in Harrisburg,” I said. Just two people riding naked down the middle of Broad Street talking state politics, nothing out of the ordinary.
Anyway, back to the route. We followed South Street all the way to the end and crossed the bridge onto the Columbus Boulevard. A group of black kids laughed so hard as we passed by in our glory, they looked like they were going to have seizures. A girl in a white dress just stood and her eyes and mouth as wide as they could go.
No time to look back however: on we sped, north up the boulevard, with a line of bemused cars behind us. Jim took some great video of two guys driving a rental truck, who were literally sobbing from laughing so hard. I hope to have this up later.
Once we hit Spring Garden Street, we headed west, then south again on 5th Street, and north on Market. This time we didn’t just loop City Hall, we went right through.
It was getting dark as we headed south to Rittenhouse Square, where we looped around the park and provided some al fresco entertainment for diners who were enjoying their al fresco meals. Then it was back to Walnut Street, where we headed west until we reached Penn campus and followed Locust Walk right through the University until we reached Woodland Cemetery. By the time we got done following the paved path through the gravestones, it was night time. those riders still with us announced they were heading for the after-party at 5th and Fairmount, but after such a long ride, Jim and I opted to hit a bar in our own neighborhood, which at 10 blocks away was a lot closer.
“Should we get dressed before we head to Dahlak,” I asked Jim?
“Nah, let’s just head down Baltimore Avenue naked.”
and maybe this says more about our neighborhood than anything else: not one person batted an eye. I don’t think anyone even noticed.
check back for updated photos! Jim got some great shots and some funny video that don’t have access to just yet.
September 8th, 2009 at 6:27 pm
Brendan-
I wasn’t feeling well when I got up this morning. I thought that at least I wouldn’t have to see any of my friends’ junk. Well, this has made my day that much worse.
I know, I know. I’ve forwarded enough odd, not-un-seeable things. But I don’t think I deserved this.
September 8th, 2009 at 9:01 pm
alex, never mind the awful things you’ve sent me.
it’s a naked man. and not even the worst example of naked humanity. we all have the same stuff.
maybe it’s because I spent the eviing surrounded by exposed genitals, including my buddy jim’s. it’s all nturally occuring appendages we all have in one form or another, and the value judgements put on them are meaningless.
so you see my penis. oh well. I’ve seen your gut, it’s uglier.
September 9th, 2009 at 4:41 am
Ballsy!