Sam at OATS
Jess McDowell took this very cute shot of Sam at the Out Among the Stars Bluegrass Festival, which took place on Fourth of July Weekend.
For the second year in row, I don’t have Sam for his usual two-week end of summer blowout, because his mom made different plans for him. Worse, because he’s entering elementary school, this visit is the last time I’m going to have him for an extended visit until after Christmas, five months away.
Oh sure, I’m making a weekend trip up to Montreal in September and another weekend trip in November to fill that gap. During the earlier trip, I’m finalizing the dual citizenship issue once and for all. But it’s an eight hour drive in each direction for about 8 hours of interaction. It’s not enough.
But as any noncustodial parent knows those piddling little weekends are nowhere near enough, and that’s especially so when your kid lives 8 hours away and on the far side of an international border. And as any noncustodial parent knows, there are good reasons so many of us walk away from our kids.
Most frequently mentioned (by 36 of the 40 disengaged fathers) were difficulties related to access, whereas many of the contact fathers stressed the importance of the support and encouragement of their ex-wives in their maintenance of contact and development of a new parental role. Those fathers who received little or no confirmation of their roles as “fathers” by their former spouses appear most likely to become disengaged from their children’s lives…
Linked to ex-wives’ lack of support of paternal contact and fathers’ feelings of no longer being influential and valued as fathers, were fathers’ own decisions to cease contact with their children. The 13 fathers citing this reason spoke of their overwhelming sense of loss and depression, the pain of seeing their children only intermittently, and the fact that an avuncular “visiting” relationship in no sense resembled “real fatherhood” and was perhaps harmful for children as well….
The grief of previously highly involved (and now-disengaged) fathers is the most pronounced and remains unresolved: chronic grief is most characteristic of this group, a reflection of their closer attachment to their children before divorce. Psychological factors related to fathers’ unresolved grief and inability to adapt to child absence, role loss, and the constraints of the “visiting” relationship, are highly significant factors in their eventual disengagement.
I despise the “visiting relationship” described here. It sets Sam up with a wholly inaccurate picture of what our relationship is, where we’re always doing special things together to make up for the fact that our time is short. furthermore, it sets him up to make poor decisions down the road: inevitably, as he gets older he’s going to want to see what life with me is like, and for the past five years he’s known me as “that fun guy”. And that’s not my reality.
Not that I’m walking away. I’m way too much of a stubborn son of a bitch to do that.
But it’s fucking hard to live this way. I’m not at all looking forward to saying goodbye to my son knowing that the next time I get any real quality time with him won’t be for another 5 fucking months.
Every once in awhile, someone tries to give me the “it’s not so bad” lecture. To them I say, “You go half the year without seeing YOUR kid and then tell me it’s not so bad. I only get him for half the summer next year: tell me it’s not so bad.”
Five months. It’s nearly half a year, with only two weekends in between. Five miserable, shitty, stupid months.
C’mon, tell me it’s not so bad. I dare you.
July 13th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
Hell no guy, I won’t tell you its not that bad – it must be hell on earth to have to deal with this shit. I can’t imagine how I would have dealt with this if it had happened to me. IT SUCKS!
I have no words of wisdom for you other than the trite shit you probably get as often as ‘its not that bad’. Hang in there, let him know how much you love him & how much he means to you. Chances are high that he will go through shit when he is older when he hates his mom & expects living with you will be the greatest, and some othre times he will hate you and treat you like shit.
Then, one day when he is grown up, he will let you know that he is sorry for all the pain he caused you & he will make you so proud you think your heart will explode.
It happens with good kids & good parents & you talk like a good parent. If you were an asshole this wouldn’t hurt you but you are a good guy trying to do your best. It isn’t easy & it isn’t always fun. Enjoy the good times, accept the bad and hope for the best.
Sorry if this isn’t any help – it is not intended to make the pain less (I don’t think that is possible), only to try to put it into context. I have read your blog for a few years now & am amazed at how well you have done with your ex & kid. You deserve better but this is what you get sadly. It seems like you are doing about as good as you can.