Permanent “Solutions” to Temporary Problems. A Parable
Free Library Director Siobhan Reardon on the other hand, made an argument that really bugged me, and it’s one I’ve seen repeated in coverage by the Fishtown Star. A plan to spread the pain evenly to all libraries, cutting back on hours across the city, was rejected as creating “a weaker library system”. Thus, the solution to permanently close 11 branches was undertaken. But this rests on a false premise that current economic conditions are permanent but that is not so.
The economic crisis is a temporary situation, therefore cutting back on hours is a temporary measure taken in response. Reardon and Nutter both equate a temporary measure with a permanent measure as if they’re the same. They are not. It needs to be driven home that the administration is proposing an unreasonable solution when a reasonable alternative exists.
Let me illustrate. Michael Nutter comes home from a hard day at work to find there’s a leaky toilet on the second floor causing an unpleasant smell in the bathroom and making a stain on the kitchen ceiling. So he calls a plumber.
The plumber comes by and says, “It’ll cost $500 to fix the toilet because it’s a pipe and I have to tear up the floor.”
Michael doesn’t have the $500 bucks. Lisa suggests a way to come up with the money. Olivia has some ideas too. Michael’s mom calls up with some advice. But Michael says, “No my mind is made up. we’re going to have to shut down the bathroom forever.” He heads out to Home Depot and gets a sheet of plywood which he begins nailing over the bathroom door.
By now Olivia, who REALLY has to go, is doing the pee-pee dance. “But Daddy, why? Where do I go now?”
“I’m making plans to build an outhouse out back,” Mayor Nutter says.
“But it’s cold!” says Olivia.
“Well, the toilet’s broken and I can’t afford to fix it,” says Michael.
“But the bathroom isn’t just for pooping,” says Lisa. “Where do you expect me to take a shower or put on my makeup? Oh no, don’t you even THINK of telling me—-”
“The outhouse, of course,” answers Michael. “Look, I thought about turning off water flow to the toilet when it’s not in use until we get the money together to fix it, but I felt that would make for a weaker plumbing system for everyone in the family. If I can use the outhouse, so can you! Olivia, use the toilet at school if it’s that important. I use the john at City Hall all the time! As for your shower honey, look:we have a perfectly functional garden hose. I can hang a shower screen from a tree or something, but if this is about being nude in public, we’re both in our fifties, no one wants to see us naked.”
“Thanks,” she mutters, grimacing, “but no, it’s not about that.”
“And you don’t need the bathroom like we do,” Olivia says. “I got to public school all day, and there are fights in the bathroom and girls smoking cigarettes, and it’s just… daddy, it’s gross. Plus, where will I shower? i don’t want to use the hose like you and mom.”
“I hear you,” says Michael to his increasingly irritated family. “I hear you. but my mind’s made up,” he adds as he begins hammering the plywood to the door. “but I’m afraid we can’t afford a toilet right now, or ever again. The outhouse will have to do. Sorry. Or you can walk a few blocks to aunt Sally’s house, she’s got a bathroom you can use.”
“But… but…” says Olivia, beginning to cry. “It’s really dark out, and it’s cold. Plus, it’s like 2 miles each way to Aunt Sally’s.”
“Honey, you’re really not being fair,” adds Lisa.
“I hear you, I hear what you’re saying. But I don’t have $500 to fix the toilet.”
“Well, why don’t you ask one of our rich neighbors,” Lisa says. “I seem to recall you basically gave the house next door to that nice Mr. Comcast and his family…”
“Or what about Sunny Oco?” says Olivia. “They owe us a bunch of money from that loan a few years ago. Did they EVER pay us back? Daddy please, I have to peeeeeeeee!”
“Yes well, also there are so many toilets in this neighborhood, the world can get by with one fewer. And that wouldn’t be a permanent fix anyway. All toilet activities will be provided in the outhouse.”
“BUT IT’S NOT JUST A TOILET!”
“I hear you, I hear you,” Michael continues without listening to a word anyone’s said. “And with the outhouse in the backyard, we’ll still be able to provide toilet and bathroom services to our family. Tellya what! I’ll hang a mirror in the bathroom. And also provide a handy-dandy flashlight. But our bathroom is CLOSED PERMANENTLY. I am not changing my mind no matter what you say.”
Then Michael goes next door and to hang out with his new neighbor Foxwoods C. Asino, a disreputable person whom a lot of the neighbors distrust, move in. Michael has high hopes that the flashy new neighbor, who has a gambling habit, will increase property values on the block, enriching everyone.
“I tellya Fox,” he mutters, “Women just don’t understand what it’s like to be the head of the household and make hard decisions. I didn’t want to wall off my bathroom, but what other choice do I have?
“And the damn cat puked on the rug again. Lisa says it’s the brand of cat food we buy, but I guess I’ll have to shoot it.”
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.
