Double Standards
When Christina and I began dating, Sam’s mom told me in no uncertain terms that Sam was not to crawl into bed with the two of us. It would lead to confusion for him, she said. It wasn’t a good idea. Boundaries.
And so, like the straight shooter I am, I have complied 100%. That hasn’t always been easy: at least once during every visit, Sam wakes up late at night crying because he’s lonely for his mom. I always run into his room and rub his back so he’ll feel secure and fall back asleep, but I always miss letting him hop into bed with us, and I feel guilty leaving him alone in his room. Despite the kicking, it’s nice to have your little guy sleeping next to you. Anyone with kids knows the specific smell of their offspring, and it’s comforting to both the kid and the parent to be that close to each other. I remember running into bed with my mom and dad during thunderstorms or after nightmares, and making a big sandwich as I fell back asleep feeling safe again. But I’ve gone along with this for more than three years, forgoing a lot of snuggles and cuddling with my kid because I took his mom seriously.
Tonight, Sam let me in on a little secret: back home in Montreal, he climbs into Mommy’s bed and sleeps between her and her fiancee.
It’s so nice, so fucking civil, to be on the receiving end of a double standard. It makes me feel like a truly valued partner in Sam’s upbringing, someone who can expect to be treated like an equal, someone whose input actually fucking matters.
And before anyone says I’m flying a little off the handle here, remember, I’m the guy who got two weeks notice, like some dishwasher at McDonalds, before Sam and his mom were supposed to move in that she “got a better deal in Montreal” and -kapowie- the whole thing was off. I don’t get a lot of time with my son, just ten days here and there, sometimes going as much as two months without his physical presence. Last summer, I didn’t even get my usual two weeks at Labor Day and I don’t get it in 2009 either. And as we all know, I’m not going to be seeing him as much after September, so the past four years are probably about as good as it gets for a long time, unless he decides to move down here when he’s older. “Oh but you have Skype!” Yeah, you try to carry on a conversation with a 4 year old over the internet: they’re not too good at that. What kids that age want and need is someone to play with actively, in the flesh. Skype is chump change, a few dimes tossed in a homeless guy’s tin cup.
My relationship with Sam is always at arms’ length due to geography, and in an effort to abide by his mom’s wishes and provide consistency, I’ve kept him at some degree of arms’ length in my own fucking home, never knowing that the same courtesy wasn’t being returned to me.
Whatever whatever whatever. I should probably just suck it up and be grateful for what I have, and that I found out now rather than later.
I’m sure it was a miscommunication or whatever the euphemism is these days. But I’m still not calling back to apologize for yelling.
November 29th, 2008 at 7:50 am
When my first daughter was two, about six months after the divorce, my ex up and moved to St. Louis for a job. I was living in the D. C. area. By the time they moved back to D. C., I was in the Philly area.
Then they moved to Florida.
Been there done that.
I can offer you some encouragement. My daughter and I have a very good relationship. It’s not clingy.
But it is strong.
November 29th, 2008 at 8:17 pm
The custodial parent that denies complete access to the other parent, runs a risk of the child holding a deep resentment against them. I have friends that were denied access to their fathers, and they will never forgive their mothers for it. Some have spent their entire adult lives making up for the lost time. Sams mom may need to be a little more far-sighted, and less selfish. It would be good for everyone, including her.
November 30th, 2008 at 12:21 am
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