You’re My Doctor, Not My Daddy
More young, childless men are seeking vasectomies. Some urologists are reluctant to do them.
“I said, ‘I don’t want children,’ ” Allie says. “He didn’t either. It never came into my head that I was put on this Earth to be a mother.”
Young men like Mitch – childless, and looking to stay that way – make up a small but growing minority of vasectomy patients, according to doctors who perform the procedure. They also present a problem for urologists (specialists in the male reproductive system): How young is too young? Can a man who’s 23 really be sure he won’t want to start a family when he’s 39? Some doctors decline to perform the procedure on men younger than 30 or those who don’t already have children. Others try to talk them into postponing the decision.
“If he’s single, in his 20s, that’s the group I try to convince it’s not the best time for it,” said Abington Memorial Hospital’s chief of urology, Robert Charles, who says he has seen a small but discernible rise in the number of young men seeking vasectomies.
With all due respect doctors, who the fuck died, transformed a bunch of adult patients into children, and made you their dad? You’re like those pharmacists who have moral objections to birth control and emergency contraception, and my advice for you is the same: if you can’t carry out the responsibilities of your job go into a different line of work
Once an individual has reached the age of 18, the decision to undergo a vasectomy or a tubal ligation is the choice of the patient and the patient alone. Both procedures are common and safe; both are, in many cases, reversible. You can find info on reversing your vasectomy here and info on reversing your tubal ligation here: really, it’s not like amputating your arm for cosmetic reasons.
A woman who’s a very close friend of mine, who decided probably 20 years ago not to have children and made that decision a precondition to marrying her husband, told me a horrifying story of the time she tried to get a tubal ligation performed when she was either in her 30s or quite close. The doctor refused, telling her “you might change your mind later.” As you may imagine, she was furious. It makes me mad too: never mind the hubris it takes to make an adult’s medical decisions for her, this doctor seems to think he’s clairvoyant.
The article features doctors throwing all sorts of red herrings and straw men up in defense of the indefensible:
“I tell patients the reversal’s going to cost them at least five figures, and what happens if they meet the woman of their dreams who tells them the only reason she’s with him is to have kids?” Axilrod says. “Those guys are screwed.”
No Dr. Axelrod: those guys are screwed if their birth control fails and they end up making a baby they are ill-prepared, financially, emotionally, temperamentally, to father. And believe me, I know what I’m talking about because I never wanted kids. EVER. In fact, I used to joke that I’d better get a vasectomy, because one day one of my little wrigglers was gonna make it all the way up the vaginal canal, and surprise! Look what happened! I think my experience is illustrative of what happens when a baby is made by accident, in a situation when neither partner is on the same page, and the relationship isn’t strong enough to adapt to the new reality. It’s not the guy who got the vasectomy: it’s both parents and the baby who are screwed.
My career as a musician has been destroyed forever. The farthest I’m going is the local bluegrass festival. No more national tours. No more regional tours (at least not for another few years). Instrument repairs put off for years, sometimes forever. I’ve had to enter therapy to deal with the loss of my professional life. Does ANYONE think I’m satisfied with the life I live now? Does ANYONE think I truly live to put on the monkey suit at 8:30 AM and trot out the door to spend my day sitting on my ass in front of a computer tickety-tapping away looking for grants? Sure, it beats ditch-digging by a long shot, but compared to rock-n-roll, it might as well be… well, ditch digging.
Sam’s mom has been negatively affected as well: this is a person with a bachelor’s from UPenn, a prestigious ivy-league college, who was about to embark on her masters. Today, she waits tables. According to our Dr. Axelrod, it’s the guy who got the vasectomy who’s screwed, not the woman with the student loans and the baby, who works two different jobs to make ends meet.
And that doesn’t even touch on the ramifications of the baby himself, who incidentally may have all sorts of problems of his own later in life. Those of you without kids don’t understand 100%, but when you watch your child crown, and held his still wet tiny little body in your hands, you go through a remarkable hormonal change that bonds like Krazy Glue you to your child. Now you have a baby you never wanted, but you love more than anything.
Some relationships are very strong and can deal with all sorts of changes. But many relationships are less so, and when something as overwhelming and permanently life-changing as a baby comes along, that relationship can collapse like a pile of blocks. Our relationship, like 1000s of others, fell apart due to the stress, the disagreements, distrust, and a whole host of other issues. Now we’re tied to each other forever, the anvil and the albatross, but it’s the guy who got the vasectomy who’s screwed.
Did I mention I was in therapy to deal with my lost career? Well I’m also in therapy to deal with the lost of my son, $20.00 each week, more than $1,000 a year, to get my head and heart back on track. It’s taking a long time. I wonder what happens when he starts elementary school in 2009, and I get to see him even less than I do now? Any guesses? But it’s the guy who got the vasectomy who’s screwed.
Anyone who reads my blog knows I love my son more than just about anything in the world. But everyone also knows that I’ve had more than my share of long dark nights of the soul as well, with plenty more to come. As Frank Sinatra once sang, “Regrets? I’ve had a few…”
“I tell patients the reversal’s going to cost them at least five figures, and what happens if they meet the woman of their dreams who tells them the only reason she’s with him is to have kids?” Axilrod says. “Those guys are screwed.”
Hey Dr. Axelrod: either do your job or get out of the urology business. Oh and one more thing: SCREW YOU.
October 15th, 2008 at 5:39 pm
[...] Originally posted here: You’re My Doctor, Not My Daddy [...]
October 15th, 2008 at 7:33 pm
[...] You re MyDoctor, Not My Daddy [...]
October 15th, 2008 at 8:03 pm
[...] You re MyDoctor, Not My Daddy [...]
October 15th, 2008 at 8:49 pm
[...] You re MyDoctor, Not My Daddy [...]