Glenn Beck Listens to Too Much “Stairway to Heaven”
When I was a kid, I went through this period where I was fascinated with Led Zeppelin’s “Stairway to Heaven” because it was rumored to be about Satan, and that if you played the record backwards, you’d hear all sorts of backmasked messages.
Many years later, when my father’s tape player (remember cassettes?) got damaged and began playing the B-side backwards whenever you tried to play anything, I was delighted to find out it was true, and disappointed that the “messages” were so stupid. Mumble jumble gragghhhhh MYYY SWEEEEET SATAN grbble brggle rrrrr GLOOOORIOUS SATAN grrrrgle brrrgle. Good for a laugh while pulling bong hits, but little else.
When I was a kid however, this whole “Satan” thing scared the shit out of me and all my burgeoning metalhead friends. We were literally obsessed with the threat that The Devil might come and get us, even as we were trying desperately to spin our Zeppelin and Ozzy records backwards fast enough to hear the secret messages. Looking back, it’s obvious we were scaring ourselves: it’s something people like to do. That’s why we have ghost stories, horror movies and death metal bands. I like to think that most people don’t take this stuff seriously. There is no such thing as the Devil dressed in red waiting to cart you away to Hell where you’ll burn forever. It’s a made up construct, as empty as Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny.
Listening to Glenn Beck’s show this morning, I got the distinct feeling he really believes this shit. He had on the “author” (I use the term loosely) Joel Rosenberg, who’s written a series of apocalyptic thrillers that take place during the “Rapture”.
For Jon and Erin Bennett, the world seems to be spinning dangerously out of control. A new dictator is rising in Iraq. China is making threatening new moves toward Taiwan. North Korean forces appear ready to strike south. Israel is feverishly trying to complete the Third Temple. Oil prices are surging. And in the wake of an horrific war in the Middle East, President James MacPhersons second term is coming to an end. Now the battle to succeed him is heating up into one of the most fiercely contested presidential elections in American history, and the Bennetts realize the stakes could not be higher. Who will lead a bitterly divided country over the next four years? What can the U.S. do to shape the new world order? And just what role–if any–does the U.S. play in the last days? As the presidential campaign narrows into a dead heat, the Secret Service learns of a catastrophic plot to assassinate one of the candidates–but which one, and can the terrorists be stopped in time?
From the Inside Flap
From the author who predicted . . .
A kamikaze attack on the U.S.
A war with Saddam
The death of Yasser Arafat
Irans nuclear threat against IsraelJoel C. Rosenbergs New York Times best-selling novels have an uncanny way of coming true.
Sweet. Someone call Hal Lindsey.
So Beck and Rosenberg are talking about the guy’s book, when they veer into this weird discussion about Iran, Iraq, Ahmedinajad, and al-Sadr.
“You know what they’re tryign to do?” Beck says. “They’re trying to bring back the 12th Imam. And he’ll be a false messiah, an Anti-Christ. Whaddya think about that?”
“Well, let’s be clear here,” Rosenberg replies. [This is all paraphrased]. “The Anti-Christ is from Rome, from the people who first sacked Jerusalem. But the 12th Imam is definitely a false Christ.”
“And when the REAL Chjrist comes back…” Beck begins babbling.
That’s about when I started laughing. All I could see was my friends and me frantically spinning that Led Zeppelin record backward trying to scare the shit out of each other. The difference of course is that we were 12 year old children, and Glenn Beck is (theoretically) a grown man. Honestly, all he needed was for Rick Moranis to call up claiming to be the Keymaster waiting for Gozer.
Actually, watching this youtube is EXACTLY what Glenn Beck’s show sounded like this morning: the rant of a small-brained idiot trying to scare himself and his listeners into thinking that the Iranians are casting fucking spells to bring some super-demon from another dimension into our world to wreak havoc in the Middle East, destroy Israel, and of course bring about the end of the world.
The weirdest thing is that these doofuses (and really, all religious zealots) are acting upset about this fantasy. Ohmygod what’ll we do, what’ll we do?!?. Umm… I thought being a Christian meant you were looking forward to this “final battle between good and evil” because God will take you away from this wretched earth into the shining new city. “This world is not my home” and all that shit.
In any event, there is something disturbing yet hilarious about two grown men obsessively worrying over whether the Iranians are conjuring up a scary monster from another world or not.
Glenn and Joel witnessing the Return of the 12th Imam
April 9th, 2008 at 11:06 am
http://z.about.com/d/animatedtv/1/0/J/3/ephellisotherrobots.jpg
April 9th, 2008 at 11:11 am
…so did Tom Clancy
…before or after 1991?
…wait, an old guy died?!? Stunning!
…before or after 1977?
April 9th, 2008 at 11:35 am
Ahh, Glenn Beck.
He helps me remember that I’m actually not THAT stupid after all…
May 18th, 2009 at 10:30 am
[...] now we come to Glenn Beck, a “man” I’ve written about in the past: So Beck and Rosenberg are talking about the guy’s book, when they veer into this weird [...]