I Have Not Slept in Two Days
It’s 5:30 AM, the second night in a row without any sleep. I finally gave up tossing and turning and decided to let the chip[s fall where they may. I had a busy weekend planned but I’m not sure if that’s going to happen now. Depends on whether I get some sleep this afternoon, or if I can force myself to run the gauntlet this evening. We’re supposed to go see some rock-n-roll, but if I can’t keep my eyes open by 5:00 I may have to nix that idea, which is going to suck because Christina and I haven’t been out together in two weeks since she was sick as a dog with the flu.
The insomnia really sucks: I get this odd electric-tingling feeling all through my body and I can actually sort of feel my brain buzzing as I lay in bed looking at the wall or the ceiling. Worse, as the night drags on, I begin to get depressed as I lie there and my worries have the opportunity to rise to the surface and I’m reminded that my life is a litany of failure and pointlessness. I don’t make anywhere near enough money to cover my debts, I’m on the hook for a child support payment that’s dwarfed only by my student, music’s going nowhere, and writing’s going nowhere. I’ve had to give up everything I actually liked doing because I’m responsible for Sam, and I don’t even get him for more than a couple of days every other month, during which time I still have to go to work and leave him in someone else’s care. So it doesn’t even balance out.
I have so much to do this weekend: painting the second floor, shopping for a new bed for Sam, filing my taxes. I don’t have time for this shit. The result is predictable: my temper is going to be short all day, I’m not going to be able to focus on anything, and I’m going to end up annoying the fuck out of everyone, including myself. It’s 6:10 now, and I’m not sure whether I should make another go at sleeping (with the risk of waking up Christina, who’s having enough problems crashing out of her own) or whether I should just put some coffee on and face what’s sure to be a dreadful day. If I was certain I’d fall asleep, I’d hop back in the bed in an instant (the office space is damn cold right now), but if it’s just going to be more tossing and thrashing, no thanks.
UPDATE So I crawled back into bed and promptly crashed out until noon. I had some very vivid dreams. I was at an auction/performance of some sort with Christina that was taking place in a high school gymnasium. As I looked across the room, I saw Ralph Stanley and Bill Monroe (who’s been dead since 1996) in the doorway near the stage. Ralph noticed me and began walking my way as a family band with what looked like a dozen very small children in black pants and white shirts took the stage all carrying banjos. Ralph was a good 15 years younger than he is now, and while his sideburns were white as snow, he had this curly red beard on his chin. For some reason he knew me and began asking how Sam was doing. “Will we see you guys this summer at festivals?” he asked, and I told him yes. “What’s with all the little kids in that band?” I asked pointing at the stage. “They seem awfully young to heft those banjos…”
“Look closely,” Ralph Stanley said. “They’re all toys!” And sure enough they were: little tin wind up toys.
At that point the dream changed slightly: the show was over and my friend Matt thanked me for my performance and gave me an enormous old-fashioned cash register. “I hope you don’t mind counting the receipts,” he said.
“No problem,” I answered and began walking to my van. For some reason we were parked at a highway rest area: I think it was somewhere on Interstate 81, which would make sense since I’m on that stretch of road so often that it’s probably the default representation of a highway in whatever part of my brain deals with dreams. As I carried the heavy machine to the van I slipped and the money spilled out everywhere. I was gathering up[ the bills and shoving them back in the till when I woke up.
It was noon. I guess I got 5 hours or so of sleep, and for that I am grateful.
One Response to “I Have Not Slept in Two Days”
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February 23rd, 2008 at 7:56 pm
Great dream. Take it to your professional friend, you could gain some insight from this one I think; it’s very detailed. I once had a dream I was slow dancing with Woody Guthrie. He was as beautiful as I imagined. I didn’t read anything important from it, but it was still one of my keepers.