Day Three
Sam’s been gone for three days now.
Sunday was a bear, as I wrote.
Monday was pretty freakin’ awful. I didn’t go to my therapy session, wasn’t sure if one was scheduled actually, but I really didn’t see the need for it. After all, therapy is supposed to be helping me deal with unresolved issues, dealing with the up-and-down emotions, and anger management over the whole pathetic and stupid situation.
The way I see it, the underlying, unresolved issue is never going to be resolved, and the only way to deal with it is, well, to deal with it. I miss my kid, what else is new? You’d miss yours too if he lived 800 miles away.
As for the up-and-down emotions, when I’m down, I let myself be down. I don’t repress the unhappiness and pretend it’s not there: I know it’s going to be unpleasant and the only thing to do is wait it out, since the side-effects of anti-depressants are so incredibly negative and persistent, as my friend Somegirl at the All Spin Zone would be happy to tell you.
Same thing with the anger management component, which I think I’ve got a better handle on now: after all, i haven’t thrown anything at anyone recently, and I haven’t blacklisted anyone in nearly a year (my blacklist is comprised of people I have no use for, and I don’t have much use for many people anyway, who’ve pissed me off enough that I permanently cross them out of my life). I mean, even after all the grief my old man put me through leading up to Thanksgiving (and believe you me, that bullshit is STILL going on), I made sure they got some time to see their grandson. Sure, they had to drive an hour out of their way and got about twenty minutes or so with him, but it’s not MY fault they blew the only opportunity they had to spend quality time with him until 2008. What’s important is that I didn’t put my folks in a two-month timeout, which is some pretty major progress after all the crap they put me through.
Day two was pretty good, although my mood began to plummet near the end of the day.
I’m on day three, and my mood remains in the shitter, but that probably has as much to do with sheer exhaustion as much as anything: I didn’t sleep very well last night, and that’s a sure ticket to Downerville. I’m also hungry, but I have no appetite for food, a sure sign the depression’s gonna be sticking around for another couple of days. I keep remembering Sam’s little hand in mine: no matter where we go the kid clutches onto me. It’s driving me bugshit.
I’ve been ignoring news and politics as much as possible (note the focus on my kid and “Family Circus” criticism), which has helped.
I can’t wait for those ten days in January. I really don’t give much of a shit about anything else.
I gotta go force down some food.
3 Responses to “Day Three”
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November 28th, 2007 at 3:53 pm
I’ve blacklisted three people, so far. My husband doesn’t understand it, he fears it, actually. I don’t think it is something that very many people can do. It’s the guilt-free and complete release of an unhealthy relationship with another person. All contact with and reference to that person comes to an end. It’s not something I take lightly or something done on impulse. It’s not meant to be vindictive or hurtful, it’s really a bit cathartic. You might think it’s because I hate them, but I don’t. There is no room or time for hate, that’s why I move on. Because I understand this concept, I have accepted the fact that it’s a two way street; a vitally important part. Now, how about them apples?
November 28th, 2007 at 4:10 pm
yup, my feelings exactly. Life is short, and the less time you spend dealing with assholes and fuckwits, the more time you have to dedicate to the pursuit of happiness.
I’ve only blacklisted a few people.
My ex’s parents are on my blacklist. Even though i have to see one or the other every other month when i go to pick up Sam, I won’t look at them and i won’t talk to them (actually, her old man doesn’t even come anymore, so I think the blacklist worked: before he’d try to be friendly and pretend that everything was just hunky dory).
This guy I used to be in a band with also ended up on the list, after he stole my band while I was on tour with another group.
there’s one other guy, but I forget who he is. Looks like the blacklist works!
November 29th, 2007 at 12:15 pm
As always, my heart goes out to you and Sam.
I’ve been taking antidepressants of the SSRI variety for over three years now to manage my brain chemistry, and they’ve helped immensely with very minimal side effects. The key is having an evaluation by a competent psychiatrist to determine if and what meds will work. I was pretty anti-meds for years, but since nothing else was helping (booze, weed, throwing things), I figured I may as well give them a try…and I am so glad I did. If you’ve got a physical ailment like diabetes or high cholesterol, you’d probably take medicine for that…but anti-depressants have such a stigma against them.
Even when depression is triggered by a situation, they help to deal with that, and to think more clearly. While I don’t feel like a different person, and I do still have all of my emotions intact, I’m far less prone to crying jags, fits of rage, and staying furious over things beyond my control. I’ll get pissed or upset about something, sure, but I can step back now and not let things ruin my entire day or week, for that matter. It’s as if I can concentrate on doing something about the situation rather than spending time and energy seething.
Also-do continue therapy! It’s all a process…and not necessarily a weekly fix when you’re feeling upset or that you’re ready to do work. Sometimes too, if you go in thinking that you have nothing to talk about, it may end up being a productive session. Or not…but at least you’ve checked in.
I’m so proud that you’ve made so much progess! Depression and depressive moods are a motherfucker, aren’t they?