Well Whaddya Know!
I think we may be getting to the end of the saga surrounding my sister, who sent me an email this morning. As regular readers may remember, my parents, especially my father, have been pushing me to make-up with my sister, and allow her into my house without an apology for previous egregious behavior. Last week, my father and I got into a really serious fight. I had called Kate in early October, opening the door to reconciliation, but received no response. I made the call because not only was I was getting tired of my dad’s nagging, he told me that he was going to put pressure on her as well. Last Thursday, I pried it out of my dad that he had made no such efforts: the pressure has been entirely on me, an ends-justifies-the-means tactic that blew up badly in his face.
I left a second message for Kate yesterday: this one was pretty raw and direct. I don’t remember everything I said, but it boiled down to “Look, I know you don’t want to talk to me, but mom and dad have been on my back relentlessly to invite you to my place for thanksgiving without an apology or acknowledgement of your behavior. I can’t do that because your threat of charging me with assault could have resulted in my kid being taken from me, and I’m not about to risk that again. I want you to know that mom and dad are pulling some kind of emotional blackmail on me: when I called you last time it was because Dad told me he was going to put pressure on you too, and apparently he did nothing. I’m actually more upset with them than I am with you, since once you say you’re sorry, it’s all over. Anyway, that’s what’s going on here, I’m sure you don’t like getting bulshitted–”
And that’s when the recording time ended. This morning I received an email from her, which I won’t print in full. It was filled with a number of false accusations, misconceptions, and attacks on my character, yet it was the best thing I have ever received. Why?
Because it laid out, once and for all, where she stands. It was honest and to the point, the first time anyone has dealt honestly with me since my parents decided to poke the hornets’ nest.
Some excerpts:
Perhaps you are under the impression that I want to attend your thanksgiving celebration. I don’t, and I have nothing to apologize for.
[snip]
I don’t want anything to do with you. I haven’t considered you to be part of my family for a while now.I don’t miss you, as when we were in touch, you were so self absorbed and selfish that you never took the slightest interest in me…
[snip]
Your calls are a rude intrusion into my private life and I don’t want to recieve any more of them.
[snip]
I will not change my telephone number but know that if I recieve any further messages from you, I will delete them without listening, so there is no point. I will block you as well from my email and I have already told our parents several times to stop meddling-not that they seem to listen. They are too busy stirring the pot. So consider this my adieu and good luck with your life, your son, your girlfriend. If we end up at any family gatherings simultaneously, we can simply not acknowledge each other as we’ve pretty much been doing for the past however many years now.
Boldface edits are mine.
You will note that while my father earlier accused me of cutting my sister out of my life forever, it is actually the opposite that is true: my sister has no interest in reconciliation. She does not want to come to my house for Thanksgiving, and wouldn’t come if invited.
Most importantly, Kate has ALSO told my parents to stop bothering her about this topic, and they just. won’t. listen.
I forwarded the email to my father this morning, and then called as well to read it to him. “Is it clear now dad,” I asked. “Is it clear now that Kate doesn’t want anythign to do with me? Is it clear that she’s not interested in talking this out AT ALL? Will you finally STOP BOTHERING ME, OR US RATHER, ABOUT THIS?”
True to form, my dad said “I haven’t DONE anything!”
“What?!? You started a monthlong argument with me. You lied to me to get me to call Kate so we could reconcile: you manipulated me to get what you wanted. And KATE’S NOT INTERESTED. She apparently has TOLD YOU SO HERSELF.”
“Stop shouting, things are more complicated than that.”
“Complicated? What’s so complicated about it? I will not change my telephone number but know that if I recieve any further messages from you, I will delete them without listening, so there is no point. I will block you as well from my email. I don’t want anything to do with you. I haven’t considered you to be part of my family for a while now.I don’t miss you. That seems pretty damn simple to me!”
“I hear what you’re saying but–”
“Yes you’re hearing, but apparently you’re not listening”
“Brendan.. damm–, just shut up!”
“Don’t tell me to shut up. I’m an adult, and you can’t talk to me like that. YOU shut up. Kate and I both apparently want you and mom to drop the subject, already. She’s not coming. She doesn’t want to talk to me again. Is it clear, now?”
It had better be: anytime this topic comes up again, I am going to point to this document to nip more grief in the bud.
The only question that remains is whether my parents will come to my house after all, or if they will hold to their decision to spend their Thanksgiving alone and away from family and friends in some misguided loyalty to someone who has indicated as explicitly as possible that she wants nothing to do with me ever again.
I hope this is the end of the matter: knowing my father’s capacity for self-torment and his refusal to concede an argument even when he is badly beaten, I will have to deal with this for a few more weeks or days.
But really, it’s all over but for the denouement.
9 Responses to “Well Whaddya Know!”
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October 24th, 2007 at 10:48 am
Amy was just asking if there were any updates…I guess her spider senses were tingling.
>>things are more complicated than that
What does THAT mean? Is somebody sick? Dying? That’s the only reason I can imagine for such a push at reconciliation when nobody seems open to it.
October 24th, 2007 at 10:57 am
Hell, I’m his brother and even I’d like to know what that means.
October 24th, 2007 at 11:38 am
hmmm… so does this mean Ray is now the favorite?
October 24th, 2007 at 2:33 pm
“I will not change my telephone number but know that if I recieve any further messages from you, I will delete them without listening, so there is no point. I will block you as well from my email…”
So- Dad basically SET YOU UP TO FAIL????? Even if you tucked your tail between your legs and sold yourself and your son down the river, you would have been met with hostility. Also - you had the courtesy of attempting an actual conversation with her, twice, and get back an email where you are told to get lost. And Dad knows all of this, and still paints you as the bad guy?
Yikes. Hope this all evens out and you get an acceptable equilibrium before Sam comes down.
October 24th, 2007 at 2:44 pm
“So- Dad basically SET YOU UP TO FAIL????? Even if you tucked your tail between your legs and sold yourself and your son down the river, you would have been met with hostility.”
yeah, Steve Skwire’s in pretty bad shape right now. He got a pretty long email from me pointing out that he has been thoroughly beaten in this fight, and that until he apologizes, he’s not welcome to speak to me, to email me, to visit my house, or to see his grandson. And I want the apology in writing, since he’s proven willing to play “revisionist” about phone conversations (ie, “I don’t specifically remember using those specific words to specifically say specifically…”).
And worst of all, he responded to all this by being flip and essentially taunting me.
October 24th, 2007 at 5:48 pm
While I don’t condone such measures usually, once in a while a little subterfuge to move something along (you know, like family relations, invading countries) has been known to work.
At least Kate got back to you so you two can put this issue to rest.
October 24th, 2007 at 7:26 pm
Damn.
Dad wants to live the fantasy of all his family being all Normal Rockwell, and is willing to do what it takes to get there.
I’d give Dad a wide berth for a little while. That’s just too much of a headache.
October 24th, 2007 at 10:45 pm
It’s me, Amy. Brendan, after you get over the shock, you will be grateful to have Kate out of your life. She is not well, just like my sister (who threatened me at my grandmother’s wake when I was 8 months pregnant.) You are right, you cannot risk a false allegation from a woman that is not well. Think about your future. NOTHING is worth risking it. Remember: YOur dad is wrong, but he is in pain. No parent wants a rift like this. For me, the idea of my two boys being estranged seems impossible to bear. I hope in time, he lets it go and you can all move on.
October 27th, 2007 at 11:35 am
What Amy said.
I also hope that this doesn’t end up permanently damaging your relationship with your dad. He’s a pretty great guy, in my opinion (albeit with some faults, evident in this latest brouhaha; nobody’s perfect), and you are both fortunate to have each other and have the relationship that you do (excepting present circumstances, of course). I too hope that you can all put this behind you and move forward.