Biblical
It simply doesn’t stop when it comes to the debate over my sister.
If you’ve dropped by comments, you probably saw my father objecting to my two pieces about the the topic.
Well there I was assuming we had been having a private conversation about a delicate family matter and there it is plastered all over the internet. What’s more you compare me to a right wing hack and express doubts about my sincerity.
I’d like to take a moment to point out that this blog is about my interests and my life. It’s about what’s on my mind. I don’t play favorites here: some of my best posts are those which portray me in an unflattering light and I try my best to treat myself with the same rigorous criticism that I treat others. I’m not the hero of my own story in which I can do no wrong, and neither is anyone else.
Dad objects to being compared to a right wing hack, and that’s understandable: I wouldn’t want to be compared to the likes Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh either. On the other hand, he employs the exact same strategy as the barking heads on talk radio and scream TV, using argument not to get to the heart of the debate but to avoid ever having to arrive at that place.
In the past few days, I’ve had to smack down a slew of justifications as to “what the argument is about”, beginning with “the way these things ought to work is that one goes on with the family relationship with a mutual agreement, usually unspoken, to forget about a hurtful experience” to “You want to be right? OK. Your right. So what?” to “it’s all about feelings”.
I have throughly debunked all of these: the first is an apology for domestic violence; the second boils down to “who cares what you think”, and the third is a dodge that argues the offending action didn’t matter, just how I feel about the action. My dad later wrote that he “genuinely resent[ed] the implication that my thoughts on this matter are not sincere and thoughtful”, which gave me the opportunity to employ his latest rationale, and I told him I was sorry that he chooses to be offended by my statement.
It’s more than tiring actually: it’s getting Biblical. Not in terms of intensity (although we’re definitely deep in the weeds) but in terms of the list of begats that seem to have to preface every exchange, in an effort to head off irrelevant distractions. And ‘Brush It Under the Rug’ which begat ‘You’re Right, So What” which begat “It’s All About Feelings’ which begat… Currently the debate seems to be on hold because Dad’s angry that I accused him of making insincere arguments (which is different that accusing him of being insincere: it is true that he sincerely wants Kate and I to end this stand-off. What’s insincere are the arguments he’s making, which bend over backwards to let the offender off the hook), so I might have to add which begat ‘I’m Insulted’.
These arguments all serve to allow my dad to avoid the very simple and obvious conclusion that kate shouldn’t have acted the way that she did, and that I have a right not to tolerate that kind of behavior directed at me. It’s quite telling that in all of our exchanges, and indeed in the comment he left earlier this week, my dad does not ever address this point: he refuses to do it, either by ignoring any language to that effect or changing the subject. He desperately doesn’t want to have to come to that conclusion, because that means telling my sister that she acted improperly and that she needs to make the first step to make things right.
Because no one ever knows how my sister is going to take something, my parents are (quite rightly I might add) scared that she’s going to flip out and cut them out of her life again.
I’m not going to force them to have that confrontation. But I am also not going to allow Kate, having already unapologetically violated my boundaries, to enter my house where she can do it all over again and I am also not going to pretend that the arguments he is raising in favor of me dropping the subject are anything more than what they are. I want this to be over too, but I want it to be over in the right way, ensuring that this won’t happen again.
I’m certain there are some of my readers who are shaking their heads and muttering “Jesus H. Christ, give it up already Brendan and make your parents happy.” But it’s not about that. My sister’s erratic and rageful behavior poses a risk to me and my son, and without the assurance that there won’t be a repeat performance, my door is shut to her..
I am under no obligation to “feel that this was just a case of your sister getting a little carried away which she does from time to time”. She threatened to call the police on me for ASSAULT. Untruthfully, I might add. What if she had done that? What would have been the ramifications for me? For Sam?
Well, I will tell you those ramifications because I did the research with staffers from the domestic violence department at my job.
If Kate had called the police on me for assault, the police would have shown up at my door. Depending on the cop and (and whether Kate had calmed down) our counselors told me there was a 50/50 chance that I could have been arrested, in which case it would be for the courts to decide if I had done anything, with all the time and money that involves. And if Kate was feeling particularly vindictive, I could have ended up with an assault charge on my permanent record.
The effect of an assault charge would have been devastating if things got ugly with Sam’s mom. The Canadians do a thorough background check when you cross the border going back farther than anything here in the US, and Melissa could have cut me off very easily. Here in the US I could have had my visits with Sam monitored and supervised by the courts. I could have been thrown into the child support enforcement system, which is predatory and ineffective.
The list of consequences had my sister taken her outburst all the way is ugly, painful, and nowhere I want to be. On top of the fact that I have a right to be treated with dignity and respect, I also have a right not to have my relationship with my son unduly threatened. Allowing someone into my house, who might fly into a rage at any minute and might take out that rage in ways that have long-lasting negative consequences for me and my son, is a nonstarter.
Now my father refuses to continue the discussion because he is insulted, telling me “If you want to continue the discussion you will have to moderate your tone” while refusing to acknowledge the equivalent “If Kate wants to visit my house she will have to moderate her behavior.”
And so it goes.
7 Responses to “Biblical”
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October 5th, 2007 at 5:25 pm
I have had 30 years of dealing with an abusive sister-in-law and brother-in-law so I feel your pain deeply.
My wifes family is abusive and manipulative and it has lead to many fights between her and I. For years she put up with it ‘to keep peace’ and to make her mother happy.
ABout 5 years ago her brother got physical with her (a shove) and that finally tore it with him. Now we have to listen to her mom & sister whine all the time about how we should just forgive & forget but he has never apologized.
I finally told my wife that I just won’t go to any family gatherings if her brother or sister are there. She accepted that but not happily. She comes home from these events with tales of being craped on by her sister and I just ask her why she tolerates it. Abusers abuse because they are allowed to.
Tell your folks you love them and will always be part of their life but that until your sister get help she is not welcome in your house & you have no desire to spend time with her.
October 5th, 2007 at 8:24 pm
I’ve fortunately survived an abusive relationship.
Hang in there and hold your ground.
October 6th, 2007 at 1:13 pm
Brenden,
When was the last time you talked to your sister about these issues? You know tell her that you are calling because your parents want you guys to make up, but that there is unresolved shit that you want to talk to her about. Make sure she knows exactly why you don’t want her in you house, give her another opportunity to apologize or at least promise to try not to let it happen again.
It takes care of both sides of the problem, you can tell you Dad that you tried and you can be a mench without capitulating. You probably already have, but I didn’t see you mention it.
October 6th, 2007 at 1:39 pm
You are absolutely right about the need to protect the safety of your child and your good standing with the law. You seem to be the only one going in the right direction with this conflict as far as personal rights are concerned. I’m sure your parents love both of you very much and want reconciliation desperately but they should understand as an “adult” you must be allowed to make decisions on your own and to respect them accordingly. Your sister will choose her own future, regardless of any outside intervention. Like frank said: “Hang in there and hold your ground.”
October 7th, 2007 at 4:48 pm
I’m with Luam on this. I know that it’s sometimes near-impossible to be a fair and bloodless negotiator when it comes to sibiling & family relationships, so if you can’t make the call without blowing up, don’t make it. However, if you can keep your cool (as it seems you did in the face of the original event) I think it might help to have a conversation with your sister… one that wouldn’t be a capitulation, but just a diplomatic talk that starts by finding ONE thing on which you can agree and going from there. Maybe start by asking her if she’s willing to work on your relationship. If she agrees, see if you can agree on the fact that you need to resolve the issue of her last visit. If you can get both of those, you’re off and running.
I realize your feelings are hurt and that you want her to be the one to reach out, but it seems you’re better emotionally equipped to do so. And at least you’ll be able to tell your parents that you tried in good faith.
October 10th, 2007 at 10:45 pm
He did call. She hasn’t responded. (surprise!)
I hope you and your Dad work this one out. I’m honestly surprised it’s gone on this long.
Your decision about the boundaries you’re laying down with respect to your sister is SO far removed from irrational emotions (aka “feelings”) - in fact, it’s the one of the least “emotional” decisions one can make. Reject all the baggage that comes with notions of what “family” is supposed to be is definitely not the sentimental choice. “Feelings” would explain why people stick around and continue to tolerate abuse.
It would be nice if our family members always treated us the way they are supposed to, according to all the stories about the magic of family. But - sometimes, they don’t.
October 17th, 2007 at 12:59 pm
[...] comments on Biblical, two commenters, Luam and Neil suggested I call my sister. I realize your feelings are hurt and [...]