A Failure to Communicate? Or a Refusal to Understand?
Sigh. My mother’s request that I invite my sister to my house for Thanksgiving has opened up a whole can of worms. Unfortunately, my father is doing his best imitation of a Democratic senator or a right-wing hack: I’m not sure which.
The issue is easy to understand: my sister threw an adult version of a temper tantrum while she was a guest in my house two years ago. It wasn’t an isolated incident, but one that has been repeated time and time again without consequence, which has essentially granted her license to continue throwing tantrums.
My father refuses to grasp that it’s not about the specific incident: he steadfastly argues that it is about FEELINGS. In his mind, I am playing a game that transactional analysts call “Parent”: I want my sister to apologize, forcing her to submit. “It’s about how people FEEL,” he said to me yesterday. “And by demanding that Kate apologize you are making her feel guilty. Now, I understand her behavior was outrageous, but this isn’t about her behavior. It’s about you wanting to be right and wanting Kate to admit she was wrong. You have to forgive her first: the apology follows forgiveness.” Am I alone in seeing that as upside down?
Much like the Democrats in Congress and their refusal to rein in the President, my father is asking the wrong question, and like the Democrats in Congress, is refusing to deal with the real issue.
Another example is the question of Universal Health Care: whenever the issue comes up,both parties begin scrambling. At the most they talk about health insurance for everyone, but that’s not the problem: even the currently insured are exposed to all sorts of danger and criminal behavior at the hands of HMOs, which exist to extract profit through the denial of services to the sick. But because the idea of Universal Health Care is something neither of the parties wants to address, they change the subject.
The question with regard to my sister, is not one of feelings. Kate is entitled to feel whatever she wishes about me: she can tell herself I am a bad parent, a graceless host, an opinionated son of a bitch who thinks only of himself. She can feel however she wants.
The question is not about feelings: it is about actions. Kate is not entitled to berate me and threaten me simply because of the way she FEELS about me, and this is especially so when she is a guest in someone else’s house, where the homeowner makes the rules. And in my house, it’s not acceptable to yell at other people, it’s not acceptable to threaten other people, and to the extent that it’s possible, I’m trying to provide a model of the way I’d like my son to treat other people. My sister’s erratic behavior is not only an affront to the atmosphere I am trying to cultivate in my house, but left without consequence dramatically undermines the model I am setting for my son.
More important than a simple apology is the assurance that this behavior won’t happen again, but because of the nature of the incident, an apology is part and parcel of that assurance.
“I’m not sorry I behaved the way I did, and given the chance to do it all over again, I wouldn’t change my actions one bit. But don’t worry, it won’t happen again.” That makes no sense.
I’m actually more upset at this point with my parents than with my sister, who has always had a peculiar way of looking at things and sometimes has to have even basic concepts of human interactions spelled out. My parents know and acknowledge that her behavior is unacceptable, but for the sake of their immediate comfort and convenience want me to give my sister a pass on the standards of behavior that everyone else adheres to, tread lightly, and pray that it doesn’t happen again.
That’s no way to live, especially under one’s own roof.
4 Responses to “A Failure to Communicate? Or a Refusal to Understand?”
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October 1st, 2007 at 8:28 am
Brendan-
I’ve been trying to leave a comment about this and your earlier family-oriented post, but somehow I kept getting interrupted.
It always pains me when seemingly reasonable people ask me to repeatedly give in to unreasonable people.
In the short term, it makes sense. One accepts and moves on. In the long run, it creates a moral hazard. The unreasonable person wins, precisely because they’re unreasonable, creating an incentive for them to get crazier.
I think it’s both avoidance of confrontation and ego defense.
In the short term, it’s easier to convince the reasonable person to fold than confront the unreasonable person. It’s less painful. The squeaky wheel gets grease and you go back to your life.
The ego defense part is a little more complicated. If you force a settlement between two reasonable but aggrieved parties, you’re a peacemaker, a good and wise person.
If you instead cater only to the unreasonable person, you’re the sucker. You’re Charlie Brown falling into Lucy’s trap, yet again.
Ego defense is a bitch. We’ll twist or ignore facts to make us feel like the peacemaker rather than Charlie Brown.
I think you need to stick to your guns on this. Be polite but firm.
October 1st, 2007 at 2:01 pm
Wow this is a tough situation. I originally felt after reading that I was almost siding with your Father, be the peacemaker, turn the other cheek and so on, but then after reading alex’s comment I see why you need to stand your ground. I have an aunt who is exactly like your sister and we made the ‘Charlie Brown’ mistake with her. It will spiral out of control as I can attest to. Stick to your guns. Oh and can I come for Thanksgiving?
October 3rd, 2007 at 11:02 pm
Well there I was assuming we had been having a private conversation about a delicate family matter and there it is plastered all over the internet. What’s more you compare me to a right wing hack and express doubts about my sincerity.
I will not try to defend all the points I have made in our discussions or to attack the various points you to make in your post, with the exception that I will defend my claim that this is about FEELINGS. I do not believe you actually understand what I have been saying about this. This is demonstrated by your statement that “Kate can feel however she wants about you”. My concern is with YOUR feelings about the actions that took place.
You can FEEL that those actions were an unacceptable outrage that cannot be tolerated or forgiven, or you can feel that this was just a case of your your sister getting a little carried away which she does from time to time. Both ways of feeling would be consistent with the actions that took place. And I might add that you have considerable conscious control about how you choose to feel about it.
Similarly I have some degree of freedom in choosing how I should feel about your characterizations of me in your post, which was quite frankly hurtful.
It is a FACT that you said what you said. I could be angry about it and nurse a grudge. I could demand a public apology. I could say, “Oh that’s just Brendan bloviating. It doesn’t mean anything.” I could pretend it never happened and not bother with this comment. Note that the actions I choose are related to how I FEEL about the FACT that you publicly insulted me.
So I still claim that it is at least partly about FEELINGS.
Life is complicated.
October 5th, 2007 at 1:01 pm
[...] you’ve dropped by comments, you probably saw my father objecting to my two pieces about the argument over my sister. Well there I was assuming we had been having a private conversation about a delicate family matter [...]