“You Could Just Send the Money”
There’s a pretty long period of time between the end of Sam’s last visit (he went home September 9) and his next arrival (November 15 or November 17). I’m supposed to have him every other month because his mom claims she can’t afford to bring him to me every month, and unfortunately that next visit is at the END of November because he always comes for Thanksgiving. As a result, I had planned to go to Burlington Vermont in the middle of October to see Sam for a few days: the meltdowns I had in both 2005 and 2006 during this time period were devastating to me, and there is no way that kind of separation is good for my son.
Then I looked at the numbers. The trip to Syracuse and back takes about two-and-a-half tanks of gasoline. My tank is a 27 gallon monster, and gas is averaging $2.80 a gallon: that’s over $150.00, round trip. The distance to Burlington is about twice the distance to Syracuse, adding up to more than $300.00 round trip. I called Motel 6 and received a rate of $50.00 per night, adding on an extra $150.00. Then there’s the cost of food for two, on top of my child support which Melissa essentially refused to give a break on, because “it’s your decision to go out of your way to see Sam.” She has no empathy for me: it took a half hour of debate to get her to agree to knock off an entire $75.00, and when the total bill for the month comes to about $1000.00… well, that’s not much of a break.
As you can imagine, I was upset about having to cancel the trip, but resigned to it, so I mentioned it to my therapist. The last thing I want is another meltdown. It was horrible.
My therapist had a really good idea! “Since you’re not going to see Sam,” she said, “why not send him some stuff that reminds him of the time he spends with you? You could send him some framed pictures of the two of you at the bluegrass festivals, or maybe some games that he doesn’t have in Montreal.
“You tell him that you’re sending him a surprise in the mail and to keep an eye out for it. Every time you talk to Sam, ask him if the surprise arrived yet and if he checked his mailbox. When it finally gets there, it will definitely remind him of you, and you’ll have something to talk about for awhile.”
I totally concurred with this plan, and spoke to Melissa that evening. I apologized for having to cancel Burlington, explaining the costs, and explained that instead I’d be sending a surprise to Sam instead.
Last night, they called up to say hello, and after a conversation with Sam about the Curious George website he was visiting, his mom got on the phone.
“You know if it’s more convenient for you, you don’t have to send up presents or anything,” she began. “Instead, you could just send money, and I’ll take him to the store to pick something out. You’ll still be paying for it…”
“Uh, no. No, that’s not going to work. I’m not your ATM,” I said. “If I pay for the gift, but you and Sam make the trip to the store, it might as well come from you. It’ll be associated in his mind with you. He doesn’t understand the concept of money yet, and saying the gift comes from me would only be confusing. He’ll still see it as coming from you. So no offense, but I’m sending the items myself thank you very much. Believe me, it’s no problem.”
For once she didn’t bark back over a snide remark. I’m telling myself that perhaps she’s grown up a little bit and realized as the words came out of her mouth how offensive and thoughtless they were. I’m almost certainly deluding myself.
You could just send the money. The whole point of the exercise is to ensure that I’m present in his life regardless of distance and international borders. The “gift” component is the culmination of days of anticipation that keep Sam thinking about me while we’re apart. That’s not exactly a difficult concept to grasp.
You could just send the money. Honestly, how thoughtless, rude, and crass can a person be?
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October 11th, 2007 at 3:23 pm
[...] As I wrote a few weeks ago, I’ve found a way to smooth some of the rough edges off the two-month separation from Sam by mailing him things that remind him of our time together, including photos, games he likes to play, books, and the like. “You tell him that you’re sending him a surprise in the mail and to keep an eye out for it. Every time you talk to Sam, ask him if the surprise arrived yet and if he checked his mailbox. When it finally gets there, it will definitely remind him of you, and you’ll have something to talk about for awhile.” [...]