And I Thought I Had a Dirty Mind
I read somewhere that the average man thinks about sex about every 7 to 30 seconds. Snopes claims this is an urban myth, but all I can speak for is my own mind, which is utterly filthy. At any given moment, you can bet I’m thinking about sex (although with the schedule my girlfriend and I are on, it seems like we’re always to tired to actually do anything about it). Sex in a variety of positions, with as many partners, orifices, and scenarios as my sewer of a brain can imagine. Really, it’s a charnel house in here.
That said, I think I have met my match. There is no one more perverted, filthy, nasty, and sex-obsessed as the religious wingnuts at the American Family Association: thanks to a post at americablog, I learned that the religious dingaling community is up in arms about Hate Crimes legislation that protects gay people:
Basically, the AFA is flipping out that others groups in society, like gays and women and people with disabilities, will be included in the already-existing federal hate crimes law - a law that ALREADY covers the religious right. Yes, the religious “special” right doesn’t want to share their special status under US law.
What the American Fundamentalist Assholes “Family Association” has decided to do to try to block the bill is to get their base of sex-obsessed perverts all riled up by compiling a list of sexual behaviors that they’re pretending will be covered by the bill.
Now beyond the fact that the Hate Crimes bill isn’t about all sorts of bizarre sex acts, but protection for a widely accepted population of American citizens with a highly common sexual orientation (10%) and who are still targeted by a [shrinking] number of bigots and psychopaths, let me tell you that, speaking as a sex-obsessed pervert, this list is one of the nastiest catalogs I have seen in some time. I don’t think 90% of these “activities” have ever entered my mind even once, and I’m pretty sure that at least one of these so-called fetishes, “kleptophilia, obtaining sexual enjoyment from stealing”, doesn’t really exist.
It’s sad, but not surprising, that the AFA equates “orientation” with “behavior”, but so be it. Here’s the list! See if you’re as nasty as the perverts at the American Fundie Association:
SEXUAL ORIENTATIONS
Coprophilia - sexual arousal associated with feces [Ed: EWWW! EWWW! EWWWW!]
Exhibitionism - the act of exposing one’s genitals to an unwilling observer to obtain sexual gratification
Fetishism/Sexual Fetishism - obtaining sexual excitement primarily or exclusively from an inanimate object or a particular part of the body
Frotteurism - approaching an unknown woman from the rear and pressing or rubbing the penis against her buttocks
Gay/Homosexual - people who form sexual relationships primarily or exclusively with members of their own gender
Gerontosexuality - distinct preference for sexual relationships primarily or exclusively with an elderly partner [I didn't realize this was a perversion.]
Incest - sex with a sibling or parent
Kleptophilia - obtaining sexual excitement from stealing [ed: does this EVER happen? Anywhere other than Donald Wildmon's little brain?]
Klismaphilia - erotic pleasure derived from enemas
Lesbian - a homosexual female
Lewdness - sexually unchaste; inciting to lust or debauchery [wait... I thought we were talking about orientations here. "Lewdness" isn't an orientation at all! This whole list is lewd!]
Masturbation - erotic stimulation of one’s own genitals [Again, how is this perverted or weird? Who DOESN'T do this from time to time?]
Necrophilia - sexual arousal and/or activity with a corpse
Paraphilia - a condition in which a person’s sexual arousal and gratification depend on fantasizing about and engaging in sexual behavior that is atypical and extreme [I don't even know what this refers to. I think they made this one up]
Partialism - A fetish in which a person is sexually attracted to a specific body part exclusive of the person. [OK, so I guess by this definition, we're ALL perverts. Who among us, male or female, hasn't turned their head to watch an attractive stranger with a nice ass/set of legs/chest walk past? Who among us hasn't enjoyed a semi-clad girl or guy at the beach? For that matter, who hasn't noted that what attracted them to their mate was "her eyes", "the way he smiled": it's a person's physicality that initially attracts, and what's inside the person that maintains the relationship.]
Pederasty - Sex between an adult and a child, usually an adult male and a male child. [The religious right certainly knows about that: -cough- Ted Haggard -cough-, -cough- Mark Foley -cough-, -cough- the Catholic Church -cough-]
Pedophilia - Sexual contact between an adult and a child [Ditto]
Bisexual Pedophilia – term used for an adult who derives sexual gratification from sexual contact with a child without regard to the sex of the child
Heterosexual Pedophilia - term used for an adult who derives sexual gratification from sexual contact with a child of the opposite sex
Gay Pedophilia - term used for a male adult who derives sexual gratification from sexual contact with a child of the same sex
Lesbian Pedophilia - term used for a female adult who derives sexual gratification from sexual contact with a child of the same sex
[I don't see why these all get separate entries. This reminds me of the book reports my lazy classmates used to deliver when they hadn't actually read the book: "Moby Dick was written by Herman Melville. The book is paperback. My version was published by Sribners Classics. The title is printed in yellow. The book had 300 pages. The first chapter started on page one..."]Prostitution - the act or practice of offering sexual stimulation or intercourse for money [Actually, not an orientation so much as an illegal business enterprise.]
Sexual masochism - obtaining sexual gratification by being subjected to pain or humiliation
Sexual sadism - the intentional infliction of pain or humiliation on another person in order to achieve sexual excitement
Telephone scatalogia - sexual arousal associated with making or receiving obscene phone calls
Toucherism - characterized by a strong desire to touch the breast or genitals of an unknown woman without her consent; often occurs in conjunction with other paraphilia ["Toucherism"?? WTF??]
Transsexual - a person whose gender identity is different from his or her anatomical gender [I don't think this is orientation so much as gender identity.]
Transvestite - a person who is sexually stimulated or gratified by wearing the clothes of the other gender
Urophilia - sexual arousal associated with urine
Voyeurism - obtaining sexual arousal by observing people without their consent when they are undressed or engaged in sexual activity
Zoophilia/Bestiality - engaging in sexual activity with animals
In the interest of full disclosure, I am guilty as charged of the following behaviors:
Lewdness, Masturbation, and Partialism (I’m a tits man. And an ass man. And a legs man).
And finally, I’d like to detail my first experience with the Web. It was 1994 and I’d just transferred to UMass Amherst. Back then, the web as we know it was pretty new, and I was still having a good old time in those old text-based usenet newsgroups. One in particular that I enjoyed was alt.tasteless: great stuff, everything from dirty jokes to the most vile (but hilarious) scatological stories. I think alt-tasteless may have been the birthplace of the Darwin Awards.
In any event, one poster at alt.tasteless included a link that was to be my first visit to the web: the link was to a site called “Christian Gallery” where I was assured I would see all sorts of tasteless photos. So that day, in the computer lab, I clicked on the Netscape (remember them?) logo, and found myself on the web. I typed in the url, and slowly, slowly, line-by-line (there was no dsl in those days) a picture began to load up. Pretty girl, smiling… topless… bottomless… and OH MY GOD, SHE’S TAKING A SHIT IN SOMEONE’S MOUTH! I began clicking the “STOP” icon as quickly as I could, but to no avail. The lab was filled with my colleagues, all working on this project or the other. I I tried to open a new window, nothing. I clicked the “x” on the right hand corner of the browser, but it was too busy downloading the next picture, which involved a rottweiler. Finally, panicking, I blocked the screen with a spiral notebook, turned off the monitor and shut down the computer.
That’s right, the first thing I ever saw on the internet was a woman using her friend as a toilet, and it was brought to me by fundamentalist Christians. Funny thing the root of that word, “fundamentalist”…
2 Responses to “And I Thought I Had a Dirty Mind”
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May 3rd, 2007 at 10:03 am
i was thinking yesterday about posting about the downright oddness of afa’s listing certain predilictions as orientation. i even looked up the definition of “sexual orientation” quite a few places to see if i missed something, but alas, it is just hetero/homo/bi. so the fundies once again make abject stupidity a requirement for agreeing with them.
i am spending far too much time lately pondering how outlandishly fringe elements of my youth became the loudest and most visible group of late. can’t we just put them out to pasture somewhere for once and for all?
May 7th, 2007 at 2:35 pm
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