meh
I haven’t been too busy as a blogger lately: there are a lot of reasons for that. It’s the busy time at work, and I’m trying to pump out the grants. This week, I’ve been more busy listening to the hearings in the Senate Judiciary Committee and the GSA hearings in the house to write much myself. I like to write political stuff, but I can’t go as deep as some of the other writers like Josh Marshall or Christy Hardin Smith can: I just don’t have the background. This isn’t a self-deprecating remark: rather, I’m stating that I’ve just been enjoying their writing so much, I really have nothing to add. Also on that note, I get burned out from doing all the political stuff every once in awhile. I like to write on the topic, but holy christ does it burn you out! Yet at the same time, it takes a certain kind of inspiration (not to mention time, concentration, and energy) to write a piece like Ties.
But mostly I haven’t written because the depression never really lifted after Sam went home this time. I’ve been running on about 85% power, maybe 90%. Usually it takes a week or so for it to lift, but this time not so much. It was only a little over two weeks ago that he went home, and it feels like forever.
It’s not like things change in the house when he’s not here: his bed is unmade, exactly as it was when we left for Syracuse March 11. For that matter, his table is still in the living room, and I think there may be a few dried up Cheerios still sitting on the placemat. His little chair is there, just the way he left it. I think I finally turned his nightlight out a week or so ago. I spend a lot of time at my girlfriend’s place and I’m a slob by nature, so I never got around to cleaning up after Sam left.
I guess I knew the Thing never really left: it’s been different this time, as I wrote earlier, and for the past two weeks it’s hovering a lot closer than it ever has before, harder to ignore. He doesn’t come back again until early May, it’s only been two weeks and it feels like forever. Yes, I know I’m repeating myself.
[I'd like to digress really briefly and thank commenters jeannefisk and Kinmo for their help in steering me right on birth certificates. Those are on the way!]
I’m really tired of being depressed: it gets in the way of everything, my writing, my social life, my love life, everything. What a pain in the ass. The hunching up is back too.
God this sucks. This needs to go away.
4 Responses to “meh”
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March 30th, 2007 at 10:34 am
Sweetheart, will you please, please, please see someone about this? I’ll help you find a therapist if you want, or you can go it alone if that is what you need, but I really want you to talk to someone. You need an impartial observer; someone that isn’t me, or your family, or your friends, or some idiot at the bar that knows exactly how the world ticks and how he can make it better. You need someone to listen to you, and not be involved, someone that deals with emotional issues all the time, and can help you find better ways of coping. You know I love you, and I will always listen, but you need a therapist to help talk you through.
March 30th, 2007 at 2:07 pm
As I wrote to my old man:
I just don’t know if talk therapy is going to help.
It’s not like I don’t know what the problem is: i know exactly what the problem is, why it’s happening, and what the roots are. There’s really no need to go spelunking around the recesses of my mind to grasp that it’s a cycle of joy and grief, over and over again. What the heck is there to talk about?
It’s like having someone close to you die, then come back to life two months later, only to die again. Lather rinse repeat. Sam comes and my body produces happy chemicals. He leaves and my body stops producing them entirely.
It’s very simple, and also very unpleasant.
April 2nd, 2007 at 7:36 pm
Oh, that fucking black dog. I feel for you, man. Lately my method has been working as much as possible and blasting Poison Idea in my apartment, much to the horror of my roommates (fuck them). Feel The Darkness, you douchebags. I’ll give you a call later tonight. We’re overdue.
April 2nd, 2007 at 7:39 pm
This might make you laugh: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pi2t58CRmbU