Different This Time
I’ve been whacked since Sam went home Sunday. I’m so whacked, I barely remember writing “Home Again, Home Again,” yesterday. My energy is incredibly low, and this weird chill feeling comes across me in waves. When it does, I kind of hunch up my shoulders and hug myself. It feels really weird: my body is acting as it would if I was cold, but that’s not the case. I think my body is reacting to Sam being gone, physically expressing what’s going on in my head.
Here we are on Tuesday, and I still feel fucked up. I’m hungry, but don’t have an appetite. I woke up at 8:00 this morning and had trouble getting out of bed even though I went to sleep early. My sex drive seems to have gone on vacation. My house is a mess, but I don’t have the energy or motivation to clean it up. I’m going to make an effort to get the dishes done, but I’m not making any promises.
Being this low really fucking sucks: it’s hard to get any fire into my writing, it’s hard to get myself to the level of outrage I’m used to, and it’s hard to concentrate. If I didn’t have responsibilities to my son, I swear to God I’d step in front of the El right now.
If she accomplishes nothing else in her life, my ex will be able to claim that she drove me bipolar. I’ve always tended a little toward depression: every 6 months or so, I go through a blue period that lasts about a week. But these constant ups and downs related to Sam’s entrances and exits from my life are something different entirely. They can’t be good for me, and I’m really worried that this will become an ingrained physical pattern, something that requires treatment for the rest of my fucking life, like a bad back that won’t heal.
5 Responses to “Different This Time”
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March 14th, 2007 at 2:06 am
Give me a call this week.
March 14th, 2007 at 2:51 pm
Your heart is broken to pieces and your forced to put it back together EVERY time he leaves. I think you are suffering a uniquely modern phenomenon that in the past was reserved for soldiers and traveling salesmen. Don’t hesitate to seek help if you feel too overwhelmed, you’ll be glad you did. In the meantime, I will send waves of warm fuzzies in your direction. It may not help much but it can’t hurt.
March 14th, 2007 at 3:09 pm
You know, I read this post and have thought about it alot over the evening.
In addition to what Kinmo says, consider: If you were a woman you could say your problems were hormonal and you’d garner heaps of sympathy.
I think you might be reacting to a very base instinct. When your children are small, equilibrium can be very hard to come by. As they get older and gain some independence you start to breathe again and, as regards your children, regain some rationality or at least perspective.
How far removed are we from gorillas? Don’t the male leaders go into a frenzy protecting their families? You’ve got eons of hard-wired instinct wrapping itself around you and your son and then, without being able to fight it, you have to surrender.
You may be prone to depression, but I think you are just being human. Take it easy on yourself. Seperating from your son will probably never get easier but I’m guessing it will get different (more manageable) as time goes on.
Obviously, you are a great father. How lucky your child is to have you.
March 14th, 2007 at 5:30 pm
you know, when women give birth, many suffer from post-partum depression, which oftens stems from the fact that a lot of these women have a very difficult time dealing with the fact that the baby is no longer a part of them, and is separated from them. i haven’t heard of males suffering from this, but it really seems like you experience this. repeatedly, not to restate the obvious. but ppd is more intense than separation anxiety. MUCH MORE. and it does cause physiological reactions and depression. i don’t think this comment in itself is very helpful, but perhaps it could at least help you pinpoint a little more what you experience.
March 30th, 2007 at 1:03 am
[...] guess I knew the Thing never really left: it’s been different this time, as I wrote earlier, and for the past two weeks it’s hovering a lot closer than it ever has [...]