Brendan Calling

Don Young: Prominent Lincoln Scholar

A lot of people associate Alaska Republican Don Young with the “Bridge to Nowhere” boondoggle

Young is chairman of Congress’s Transportation and Infrastructure Commitee and has ensured that the six-year $295 billion transportation bill is “stuffed like a turkey” with $721 million in projects for Alaska. Projects include:

$223 million for a bridge larger than the Brooklyn Bridge and almost as long as the Golden Gate, to connect a town with 8,900 people to a town with 50 people.

$200 million for another “bridge to nowhere,” which will connect Anchorage to a town with one tenant and a handful of homes.

But what a lot of people don’t know is that Don Young is also Alaska’s most prominent Lincoln scholar. The man, quite frankly, is a walking encyclopedia of Lincolnobilia.

Young’s proudest achievement of course is his scholarship on the lost Lincoln texts. And in honor of Young sharing one of Lincoln’s more obscure quotes on the House floor yesterday, the one in which Lincoln called for the execution of Congressmembers who don’t support the Presiden’s warmongering, I’d like to share Don Young’s thesis: the original text of the Gettysburg Address, which earned Young his Ph.D in BS.

Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Except Democrats, who should hang from the neck until dead.

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation, so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this. And by “this” I mean, “executing Democrats”.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate—we can not consecrate—we can not hallow—this ground. But we can sure execute a heck of a lot of Democrats. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It’s hard to forget a good mass execution, and I intend for this to be the best in the land: yes, and all of Washington DEC shall be one gigantic abattoir. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advance, and by “unfinished work” I mean “strangling every single Democrat we can find with our bare fucking hands, until their tongues loll swollen and black from their spittle-encrusted, lifeless lips”. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us — the ritual slaughter of Democrats, that is — that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion — that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain — that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom — and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth. Except for the Democrats, whose blood I will drink as it spurts in thick red fountains from their decapitated necks, while their children cry and we subjugate their women.

Nope, further… further… you’re gonna have to work a lot harder than that if you want to stick your head farther up your ass than I can stick mine.

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