Only a Mom Knows
Twice in the same “Phables” strip (warning, PDF), Brad Guigar writes, “Only a mom knows how sometimes the fear of one’s own death has nothing to do with one’s own life.”
Right, “only a mom” has any sense of responsibility or devotion to the family. “Only a mom” knows what it’s like to have children who depend on you for everything from daily meals to moral guidance to help with homework. We fathers have nothing to do with our families: why, if you took away the paycheck we contribute, what else do we offer, other than nothing? We don’t have any involvement with our kids, other than providing half their chromosomes. And since we’re not moms, none of us dads have any idea of how “fear of one’s own death has nothing to do with one’s own life.”
Here’s a secret: the only reason most men stay married is a steady supply of pussy. A good twenty-five years or so of steady sex, over and over and over again, with the same person over and over and over again, that never gets boring or routine. The conversation is pretty fucking scintilating too. It has nothing to do with commitment, with raising a family, with being responsible, with love, with leadership or morals or anything like that. And so we dads NEVER think about the impact our own death would have on our loved ones, BECAUSE IT WOULDN’T HAVE ANY IMPACT AT ALL. That’s what Guigar is essentially saying.
Clearly, fathers don’t matter: that’s why there’s no crisis in the African American community of fatherless children, right? That’s why kids with an absent or uninvolved father do so well. That’s why there are no efforts made at the federal, state, and local levels to encourage father involvement, since “only a mom knows” how important a parent is for the kids.
As a parent, I totally agree with Brag Guigar, that only moms understand these things. My kid is the least of my worries. Why, I don’t even know his name.
Right? Right?
[And on we go from slow simmer to full boil.]
“Only a mom knows.” What. A. Crock. Of. Shit.
Look, I know Guigar doesn’t really believe this: what I object to is the virtually instinctive assumption of fatherly neglect, which is so ingrained in society that lines like “only a mother knows” flow from the pen like so much piss into a urinal, or like kicking your knee when the doctor hits it with that little mallet.
I am SO FUCKING TIRED of fathers getting short shrift when it comes to issues of family, and I was already SO FUCKING TIRED OF IT even before I became one, thanks to a three year stint working in a fatherhood research center.
Frankly, the role of fathers in the US has been systematically discounted, disrespected, and ignored for decades: from divorce courts that, in many states, still consider maternal custody as the definition of “best interests of the child” to child support enforcement that treats fathers as deadbeats until proven otherwise, to television programming that persistently portrays fathers as dopes, out of touch with their kids, and incompetent, dads are regularly represented as well-meaning morons at best and a step above criminals at worst.
Parenting, whether married, divorced, or never-married, is a TEAM EFFORT. I speak to my ex, who I really REALLY dislike, at least four times a week about our son, what issues he’s having, what he’s up to, how his development is coming, and what things to focus on when he visits me. And you know what? I bury all that animosity six feet under when we talk, so the conversation will be constructive, because it’s not about us, it’s about him Our boy matters more than our petty and not-so-petty disagreements. It’s hard fucking work. A lot of people aren’t able to manage it, and that is no slur on them.
I have one friend who actually stayed with his wife (who he’s hated for years) after she got pregnant by another man, because he won’t leave his kids. In fact, he even cares for the one that isn’t his, because “it’s not the baby’s fault my wife’s a jerk”.
Another friend, Mark, not only married my other friend Lucy after her partner of 15 years knocked her up and ran off, he adopted the baby as his own.
My brother is highly involved with his first child, despite the efforts made by his psycho ex, who has tried to game the legal system into preventing visits, who has told her son lies about his father, and who has gone out of her way to be nothing less than a total bitch.
A guy down at the bar drives the same distance, 8-10 hours, in the opposite direction as me to see his daughter: poor son of a bitch gets a weekend a month, a fucking weekend a month with his three-year-old, not even a fraction of what I get, and still he persists. The list goes on.
Fact of the matter is, I don’t know any fathers who don’t go out of their way for their kids: we are all dedicated to them (although sometimes the women in our lives go out of their way to prevent us from seeing our kids, but you don’t see a lot of that in the news, do you?).
Anyone wondering why you haven’t seen too many tour diaries up here since 2003? It’s because for all intents and purposes I quit pursuing a career as a performing musician because I have a responsibility to my son. You know, the one who lives 800 miles away because his mom decided I wasn’t the guy for her.
Anyone wonder why I bought a vehicle (and not just any vehicle, a minivan, freakin’ dork central), when I got by just fine with a bike for the past 5 years? It’s because I have a son to pick up and drop off. Has my ex bought a vehicle? No. Does she even know how to drive? No. But “only a mom” knows that awesome sense of responsibility, according to Guigar.
Anyone wonder why I bitch about money occasionally? It’s because 30% of my paycheck goes into an international money order straight to Montreal to support my kid. I could pay less, but I don’t because I am responsible for his well-being, and couldn’t live with myself if he had to want for food, clothes, or school.
I’m not asking for a fucking gold medal for living up to my responsibilities, and neither is any other father. What I’m demanding is that writers, journalists, and cartoonists stop purveying the damaging myth that fathers are somehow less involved with their children than mothers are: it’s not true, it’s offensive, and it denigrates the very real efforts we make on our children’s behalf.
And it’s all the more important that I rant about this outdated meme today, which Chris points out is the 34th Anniversary of Roe v. Wade.
“Only a Mom knows”. Give me a break.
January 23rd, 2007 at 7:10 pm
[...] This morning, while perusing my daily web-comics, I found this post written in response to yesterday’s update of Brad Guigar’s weekly comic strip Phables. Personally, I like Guigar’s work, and there is much to like, but with Phables, especially, he tries to reach out and give his audiences something more than a three-beat joke or deftly ironic punchline. Phables consistently spotlights “everyday†folks and their experiences within the city of Philadelphia, and the stories contained therein often present uplifting, positive and life-affirming instances that are so often in short supply elsewhere in our media. Its “slice of life†and “ultra-real†approach makes it something that persons of any age can take something away from or relate to, and its presence, to me, is much needed in this cynical and suspicious world we find ourselves in. It also helps that Guigar is adept at creating panels overflowing with detail without becoming cluttered. His depictions of Philadelphia bring it to life for those of us not familiar with it. His drawings may be two dimensional but the work itself gives Philadelphia a depth and charm to the point that it emerges as the main character of the strip. It lives and breathes and moves as much as a “Brandyâ€, or “Dagwoodâ€, or a “Snoopyâ€. [...]