Brendan Calling

Inspired by Matt Taibbi

Because the really thorny questions are the specifics: when do we leave, and, more importantly, what do we offer Iran and Syria in return for their cooperation, what horrifying inevitable humiliation will we be prepared to suffer at their hands, and what form will talks with those gloating countries take?

OK guys, enough fuckin’ around. Let’s talk turkey about this EYE-rak War I gots going on.

Oh Mr. Bush, Iran would be DEEE-lighted to help you! I’m sure there are MANY areas of mutual cooperation to be had…

I don’t like your tone President Ahem–Ahmedi– Arman– MAHMOUD. No funny business, ya hear you guys?

Peace in our time, Mr. Bush, peace in our time. All we are saying and all that…

Well, then let’s get down to business. In exchange for your help in stopping the insurgency, we’re prepared to offer…

Put on the bikini, please.

Whatchoo talkin’ bout, Mahmoud?!?

The bikini. Put it on. Then we talk, how you say “turkey”.

HAHAHA! Yes, yes! Put on the bikini! The we can talk of turkey and any other birds you like!

Now just wait a second here…”

Don’t be shy Mr. Bush. C’mon, who else wants to see the leader of the free world prance around in a bikini?

(Chanting) Bikini! Bikini! Bikini!

Shit. OK, OK, I’ll put on the fucking bikini.

happy now?

Lookin’ SEX-EEEE, Mr. Leader-of-Free-World

Stop lookin’ at me like that, it’s fuckin’ cold in this thing! Now let’s get to work…

You aren’t wearing the Carmen Miranda hat.

The what?

The Carmen Miranda hat.

Yeah, you know, the hat that looks like a fruitbasket!

NO. Absolutely not. No fuckin’ way am I doing that.

OK, so maybe we go home, your prestige and power spiral further down the toilet, and we start cutting more deals with the Chinese. You DO want to leave Iraq evenutally, don’t you?

FINE. But for the record, you guys are total dicks.

Are you fucking happy now, you dicks?

BWAHAHAHAHA! The only thing that would be better is if you sang the “Chiquita Banana Theme!

Hey, that WOULD be pretty funny!

Sing, please. And you better mean it, DICK.

-SIGH- “I’m Chiquita Banana, and I’m here to say, bananas gotta ripen in a certain way, And when they are flecked with brown and have a golden hue, Bananas taste the best, and are the best for you…” Look, maybe this wasn’t such a good idea…

Au contraire, mon frere. Mahmoud and I are having an EXCELLENT time! Now before we get down to brass tacks, play these horns with your nose, like a seal…

ad infinitum. I can’t think of anything else.
In reality of course, the humiliation will be far worse than anything I can come up with.

4 Responses to “Inspired by Matt Taibbi”

1. Alex Muentz Says:
   December 10th, 2006 at 2:12 am

   Brendan-

   Remind me to remove Photoshop from your computer next time I’m at your house.

2. Brendan Says:
   December 10th, 2006 at 2:21 am

   dude, I don’t even HAVE photoshop.
   This masterpiece brought to you by muthafuckin’ MS Paint, bee-yotch!

3. Brendan Says:
   December 10th, 2006 at 2:31 am

   PS: you’re just jealous of our freedoms.

4. somegirl Says:
   December 10th, 2006 at 4:17 pm

   you had the wrong chiquita banana lyric. you shoulda used “i’m chiquita banana and i’m here to say i am the top banana.”

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