Guest Post: Neil Cleary’s favorite Porn Spam
Note: neil Cleary is a great friend of mine, a member of the Essex Green Does England team from 2001, and a great musician. What he emailed me this mornign was so hilarious, I asked if I could post it here as a guest post. Neil is one of the best things about Vermont.
Well friends, the first snows of the season are gently falling,
Santa’s shining up his sleigh, and it’s time to gather ’round the fire for
Neil’s FAVORITE PORN SPAM OF 2006.
The following are real subject lines from spam emails I received from the darkest, most stupidest regions of the internet that tickled my fancy, in perhaps an unintended way.
Cat gets doggy anal rammed and cream pie
This is probably my #1 favorite, for the sheer syntactic trainwreck that it is. It reads like it was written by a committee of ad writers, a computer word-randomizer and Borat all at the same time. Jagshemash! So hang on, a cat and a dog… they do what? How the fuck am I supposed to get a boner when I don’t even know what the shit is happening?? It’s a goddamn maize of cornfusion. But then luckily, you get to the end of the sentence and yay! there’s a delicious cream pie at the end, just waiting patiently there like a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow of pornographic free-association.
Are you tired of having sex only on the phone?
With our Viagra Soft Tabs you can try real sex in bed.
Now I’ve skydived in the nude, seen the sunrise over the pyramids at Giza, even killed a man in Reno just to watch him die, but I’ll be goddamned if I ever thought I’d get to try having REAL SEX in a BED. Not in my lifetime, says I, nosiree!! And now you’re telling me… it’s possible? Pardon me if I’m plugging my ears, but it’s only ’cause I’m trying to keep this from BLOWING MY FUCKING MIND.
And now that you mention it, yes: I am tired of having sex only on the phone. I can’t tell you how difficult it’s been going to bars night after night, meeting a girl, buying her a few drinks, giving her a line of talk, and then trying to convince her to go home — yes, to your house honey, alone — so that I can go call her from my house, and we can have sex on the phone.
Your wife prefers your dogs penis to yours?
Wow. I was not aware, but apparently this is a top issue for marriage counselors.
COUNSELOR: Okay Dale, now it’s your turn. Just look at Mary and say what you’re feeling.
HUSBAND: It’s just that… Well, sometimes I feel like I can’t do anything right by you… like you’d prefer the dog’s penis to mine.
WIFE: Well, actually…
HUSBAND: Woah, woah, hang on a sec — no fucking WAY!!! You are NOT telling me…
WIFE: Honey… I’m so sorry.
HUSBAND: You mean… Peanuts?
WIFE: Well, baby… it’s just his penis that I prefer. I *love* you.
[awkward silence]
COUNSELOR: Oookay, I think it’s good that we’re getting these feelings out on the table…
HUSBAND: Fuck that. We are putting that goddamn mutt to sleep once and for all.
WIFE: Dale, NO!!
Divine blonde babe having a sweet orgasm
Dude, this babe is divine! And, she’s having this totally suh-weet orgasm!!
No way! I am stoked!!
Who needs a pussy when the ass can bring more pleasure with Luv Buds.
Wow, this sounds like a question… and yet there’s no question mark at the end of the sentence. Therefore I guess we can safely assume this isn’t a question? Or perhaps the question has been answered, and it’s: nobody. NOBODY needs a pussy. Boy, do *I* feel like a heel. Here I’ve been wasting all these years. And meanwhile what I was looking for, as Dorothy reminds us, was right in my own backyard. The ass can bring more pleasure, you say? Then verily I cry: bring forth your wonders, o ass! Open wide your portal and let me know the riches you have in store, far greater than those of the pussy! I eagerly await your superior pleasures.
Inside the email there’s a link, and the following text:
Lover’s Anal Bead Sample works also for big dicks having troubles penetrating assholes. Virtual Sex Superstore is your free pass to the Land of Magic.
This sounds so wonderfully welcoming and compassionate, like a cartoon children’s TV show where they talk about emotions and visit imaginary wonderlands. I imagine a big dick with a frowny-face on it…
What’s the matter, Big Dick?
I have-a the troubles. [for some reason, Big Dick has an italian accent]
Aw… What’s wrong, fella?
(shrugs) I cannot penetrating the assholes.
Well, come along with me friend, and I’ll give you a free pass to the Land of Magic!!
Oh! How a-wonderful!! (comes all over)
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!
7 Responses to “Guest Post: Neil Cleary’s favorite Porn Spam”
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December 6th, 2006 at 11:37 pm
[...] With our Viagra Soft Tabs you can try real sex in bed. Now I’ve skydived in the nude, seen the sunrise over the pyramids at Giza, even killed a man in Reno just to watch him die, but I’ll be goddamned if I ever thought I’d get to try …Read more… This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 6th, 2006 at 6:37 pm and is filed under cheapviagra213. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. [...]
December 6th, 2006 at 11:44 pm
Isn’t that cute? Put all those porn spams together and whaddya know, they start breeding like little bunnies. You may regret posting this yet, my friend.
December 6th, 2006 at 11:54 pm
[...] With our Viagra Soft Tabs you can try real sex in bed. Now I’ve skydived in the nude, seen the sunrise over the pyramids at Giza, even killed a man in Reno just to watch him die, but I’ll be goddamned if I ever thought I’d get to try …Read more… This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 6th, 2006 at 6:53 pm and is filed under cheapviagra135. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. [...]
December 7th, 2006 at 12:01 am
I’m tempted to keep them…
December 7th, 2006 at 12:01 am
or not. out you go, spambots!
December 7th, 2006 at 12:32 am
[...] Original post by Brendan [...]
December 7th, 2006 at 1:02 am
and it keeps coming and coming.
Pun SO intended…