Classic Philadelphia
I owe the following true story to my housemate, who had me in stitches.
It was about 10 o’clock on Friday night at 15th and South. Outside the Tritone, the neighborhood crackhead is out of his mind and acting out in South Street. Specifically, he’s blocking traffic, dancing in circles and waving his hands over his head in the middle of the street, when a woman trying to drive through the intersection finally leans on the horn in exasperation.
Instead of getting out of her way, the crackhead slams his hands down on her hood, and then jumps on the car and tries to kick in the windshield. There’s a loud crack and the glass becomes a web of cracks. The woman hits the accelerator and the crackhead goes flying off the car, and lands on his ass in the street. He jumps up and tries to run into Bob and Barbara’s, the drag club across from the Tritone. The door barely has time to shut behind him before the bouncers shove the guy right back out on the sidewalk. By this time, the light has turned red, and there’s a line of cars waiting, so the crackhead jumps on the hood of the lead car, and makes a dash up the street, dancing on the roofs like he’s in the video for Michael Jackson’s “Leave Me Alone.”
Finally, as he makes a leap for the bed of a white pickup, a burly cop comes running up the street, grabs the crackhead mid-jump, and slams him to the ground. His knee on the crackhead’s neck, the cop struggles to pull the guys arms back so he can cuff him.
“Officer, I am VERY uncomfortable,” the crackhead complains. “I am VER uncomfortable! Why are you doing this to me?” The cop continues to try to complete his arrest. “Officer, why are you doing this? Oh and do you have a cigarette? No? How about a blunt?”
The cop manages to get the cuffs on the crackhead’s wrists and stands him up. “Officer,” the crackhead protests, “I’m not on ANYTHING. Why are you doing this to me?
“But if I get your gun, I’m gonna fucking KILL YOU!” he adds. WHAM! The cop throws the guy to the ground again. About this time, the paddy wagon pulls up, lights flashing and siren wailing. the crackhead begins to wail in harmony, “Wooo, woooo!” A couple more cops hop out of the van, hogtie the crackhead’s legs to his arms, pick him up like a duffle bag, and throw him into the back of the van like a bag of laundry. Just then the woman with the broken windshield walks up, looks at the crackhead, shakes her head and, pursing her lips, says to the cop, “Y’all oughta TASER his ass!”
Classic Philadelphia.
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