Modest Proposal: An Expanded Re-Post
Back in the heady days of 2005, I offered a Modest Proposal for the New York Times, regarding the only honorable path for the Times Editors to take in the wake of the Judy Miller scandal.
Given recent revelations that Iraq is almost in total chaos, that it will take the US “decades” to rebuild the country, and that there is no way out of the quagmire, I am reposting my proposal, but addressed to a broader array of people, and with updated facts.
Mr. Sulzberger, Mr. Keller, Mr. Hiatt, Len Downey, Mark Halperin, Peter Beinart, Tom Friedman, David Brooks, John Tierney, Robert Novak, Wolf Blitzer, Chris Matthews, Joe Scarborough, the Entire Staffs of the National Review and the American Prospect, Joe Lieberman, every Democratic and Republican Senator and Representative that voted for the AUMF, and a host of others to numerous to mention:
I read the accounts of Iraq’s slide into chaos, the US Army pulling down barricades at al-Sadr’s command, and the revelation that we will need DECADES before Iraq is even half-way reconstructed, and I remembered how feckless and unserious you have all been, what faithless stewards of the public trust. I remember the bleats about “cakewalks” and “oil revenues”, and of course all the condescending language toward people like me, who opposed this adventure from the get-go.
Needless to say, I will not take your newspapers’ and magazines’ reporting at face value ever again. All of you who enabled this nonsense and abeted the administration in the lies that led us into Iraq, should apologize to the the American people, and resign. This goes beyond the Jayson Blair nonsense. This goes beyond the Judy Miller nonsense.
It is probably too much to expect dishonest cowards like yourselves to commit ritual suicide, but I do not believe it is not too much to ask.
Pistols and shotguns are readily available at sporting goods stores everywhere (and some department stores as well), although they can be expensive (and very messy). I suggest one of the following options:
** Draw a nice hot bath, and avail yourself of any one of Gillette’s fine line of razor blades. Remember, it’s “up the highway” not “across the street” when you
make those incisions into your arteries. Make sure to do this in the bathtub, to avoid soiling your fine towels and bathmats.
** Rope, made from nylon or all-natural jute, is inexpensive, and a noose is not difficult to tie. There are many handy places in Manhattan, DC, or wherever you live, from which you could suspend your rope: Central Park comes to mind. the coat room at the Post. Remember to put the knot on the side, so as to snap your neck when you jump off the stool, hastening death. If you leave the knot at the back of your neck, you will simply choke to death, but really, either method would work.
** Gas up your Jaguar, Cadillac Escalade, or whatever obscenely expensive car you guardians of the public’s right to know are driving these days, and park it in your garage. Pour yourself a nice martini (maybe two or three), put in some relaxing music, close the garage door, and let the engine run as you drift off to sleep. Or skip the whole carbon monoxide thing and just douse yourself with unleaded and strike a match.
** You may simply wish to take the elevator to the top floor of the New York Times/Washington Post Building/Lincoln Memorial and take the plunge, although your eventual collision with the sidewalk may result in the death of an innocent bystander. However, given your enablement of the Iraq war, the death of innocents probably doesn’t concern you all that much.
** Finally, please don’t forget to leave a note.
Best wishes,
Brendan Skwire
One Response to “Modest Proposal: An Expanded Re-Post”
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November 3rd, 2006 at 5:39 pm
Awesome post Brendan. I guess I lust after Nuremburg trials….but as long as they write the note, I’m cool with Ritual Suicide.