I have lost my temper
I have lost my temper. I don’t know where it is, can’t find it anywhere.
Everything that happens makes me angry, it doesn’t matter what it is, except for things that make me sad. Those are my two emotions these days, angry and sad. And maybe a third one, nervous.
Seriously: today I was doing some writing at work, and almost began crying for no reason. This flood of sadness came about two inches from cresting, and I don’t know what I would have done if all of a sudden I collapsed over my keyboard, muffled sobs seeping out into the cubicle.
Then on the other hand, I find myself throwing bottles at people.
I want my temper back. Really. Between the shameful things that the right wing and their allies, the Republicans and the Democrats, are doing to our country, and the ongoing joke that we call “the relationshop with my son”, I am either enraged or melancholy all. the. time.. I’m sick of it. Truly fed up and sick of it.
7 Responses to “I have lost my temper”
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June 29th, 2006 at 5:48 am
If it’s any consolation, I am currently trying to sign up for an anger management course. I left five messages over two days, asking for info, and nobody can be bothered to get back to me. So I found myself saying, “DO I HAVE TO COME OVER THERE, OR WHAT?!” when I FINALLY got a live person on the phone, and of course, they didn’t have any info for me either.
Don’t these people, the ones with the voice mail, realize that if someone’s asking about anger management, they are, by definition, not the most stable person? Or maybe if you’re nice and polite on the phone, they think you don’t need it. Maybe the only way you can get into the program is if you lose your shit. All I know is, if I don’t get a call by noon tomorrow, I’m just gonna have to go over there and bust some heads.
Sorry I don’t have anything helpful to share. Just that I know how it feels: being polite and reasonable gets you NOWHERE.
June 29th, 2006 at 3:24 pm
holy shit, I got a reply from Binky Betsy, the BRILLIANT person behind the FOOBiverse.
Your site MAKES MY DAY. I visit ALL THE TIME, same with comics curmudgeon.
And that is a great comment by the way. I can’t even begin to count the times I’ve been on hold forever and ended up yelling at the receptionist (while apologizing for yelling, since it’s not HER fault…)
OK, time too drop by foobistan.
June 29th, 2006 at 7:12 pm
Well, it works both ways, Brendan! I used my real name because I wanted you to know that I read your terrific blog! I’ve been following the Adventures with Sam for some time now, and shed many tears for you.
Anyway, a partial update. I called the clinic again, and when I got through to an operator, said, “I want to know why you people don’t care. [message-leaving history] What would you do for someone who was suicidal?”
DING DING DING DING! Magic word! I am NOT suicidal, but I’d remembered the lesson learned in my teen/young adult years: The minute people hear the word ’suicide’, you’ve got their undivided attention!
So I finally got put through to one of the A.M. counselors. He told me he was with a client at the time, so they must have made it an emergency. His explanation was that they rotate who takes the messages “because we don’t usually get that many” ["Then why is it so hard to respond to a small number of messages?"] and “She forgot to check the messages from Tuesday and I forgot to check the messages yesterday” ["I don't think that's acceptable, not when you're dealing with people who are---"] “I agree, it’s not acceptable. But I PROMISE I will call you back at 12.”
So we’ll see. Now I can’t help feeling that this was my little FOOBish object lesson: learning how to manage my anger by appealing to human nature…awwww. But that’s NOT the lesson I want to take away. I want to learn how to be assertive in such a way that people don’t FUCK with me in the first place. And I’m hoping that this is a group therapy. I tried one-on-one therapy a few years ago, but I don’t like that. Someone sitting across from me basically saying, “Well, you shouldn’t'a done that, Binky…Well, you shouldn’t'a done that…” I don’t want to be the only fucked-up person in the room.
June 29th, 2006 at 9:04 pm
No matter how assertive you are, there is ALWAYS someone who will fuck with you. Assertiveness is better for keeping people from taking advantage of you, at least in my experience.
I have to blog about this guy we had in last week at my job who did this whole “in-service” thing about “mindfulness in daily life” and “anger management.”
BB, the guy not only LOOKED like Stuart Smalley, he TALKED like Stewart too, including the lisp! He had Buddhist bells to call us to mindfulness, and passed around “the talking stick” as we sat in the “council circle” a tradition that goes back to “the Indians.”
By the end of the event, which was almost 2 hours, I was literally shaking with rage. At one point, when he asked us to recall something that made us mad int he past year/month/week, I had to leave the room because i knew I’d turn into fucking Howard Beale.
How long have you been reading the bcftu blog, and where did you find me to begin with?
June 30th, 2006 at 1:05 am
Brendan, when did you start working on the island at the center of Lord of the Flies?
July 1st, 2006 at 12:21 am
Brendan and Betsy, I read both your blogs now and found you both from Comics Curmugeon, and want to say thanks to both of you for keeping me entertained.
That said, with regard to anger management, I highly recommend taking meditation classes. I’ve mediated with both secular and Buddhist teachers and the method is the same. Plus, it’s been my experience that Buddhists aren’t pushy about their beliefs but willing to teach meditation, recognizing both the spiritual and the physical benefits, so if you don’t have a secular class in your area you may find a class through a local temple or meditation center. Or, start with Jon Kabat-Zinn’s Full Catastrophe Living, a good book to learn how to get started with meditation for better health and better living. Anger and sadness/depression can manifest very physical symptoms as well as mental, and a physical approach can be a very effective way of first coping with, then mastering your emotions. Personally, I find the whole idea of living without the physical sensations of anger very appealling….
Good luck!
July 3rd, 2006 at 7:42 pm
my kitchen floor is filled with broken dishes and beer bottles.
i keep walking on them but don’t even get cut. what’s up with that?
in between breaking stuff, i am passed out from xanax and the booze.